Pain’s Losing Power…

Pain cuts deep.
Past the surface.
Through bone and flesh.
What happens next…
—-
The lies I once believed,
The whispers in my ears.
The fear born deep within,
Accepting as truth, what I would hear.

Following the insidious leadings,
Into the realm of self destruction.
Smothered by a heavy darkness,
To which I’d helplessly succumb.

Now that power has faded.
Lies replaced with God’s truth.
Fear is buffered within me,
By a shield of faith I lift and use.

I can resist the temptation, when hurt,
Which once locked me in chains.
Tonight I did not drink or use,
Only God could make that change…

©E.D. Allee
October, 2014

Please Receive…

I happened to run into a person I knew on an acquaintance level in AA- at a hospital AA meeting. This is not a meeting I go too.  She is inpatient for detox and drug/alcohol rehab. There is more to the back story, but in general our reconnecting seemed quite supernaturally guided. Hope you are all well.

Witness to a familiar despair.
Eyes filled with tears, yet void of hope.
Questions swirling in unorganized fury.
Where to from here? You do not know.

Behind heavy, locked doors,
Flashlights frequent your closed eyelids.
Rows of rooms filled with strangers,
An energy of demoralization exists.

Well perfected masks, cracking all around.
Truths withheld due to fear.
Pseudo camaraderie, thirsty to connect.
Afraid to stay, and afraid to go back “out there”

Battered by cruel and abusive emotions,
Lies hauntingly scream of future failure.
Heart and mind blocked from receiving,
Help from those who’ve been there.

You…

You can’t recall arriving.
Twenty eight days, one pair of clothes.
No friends or family to call,
Feeling isolated, pathologically alone.

I’m glad I saw you; I’m sure that was God.
We hadn’t spoken since last year.
Simply AA acquaintances, yet I felt an intuitive pull,
A new meeting, I’m sure God brought me there.

I pray for God to show me how to help.
I pray you receive it…

©E.D. Allee
May, 2014

 

Really??? More Tales of Relapse…

So, this is how you are choosing to die?
This is how you want to go out?
Throw caution to the wind, screw it all,
Get loaded till your six feet underground?

And for what? Manufactured alteration
Temporary tastes of euphoric ease
An early, sloppy death
Which stains the lives you leave?

What of the allure of this demise
I’m believe I’m meant for more
Why would I risk my life
When I know it’s worth fighting for?

The insanity surrounding me
The insanity raging within
Merging together endlessly
Will this torment ever end?

©E.D. Allee
May, 2014

New sobriety date: May, 10, 2014

Futile Denial…

Some of you guys are familiar with my battle with drugs and alcohol. Well, I’m ready to “come out” about my recent relapse.  I’ve been reserving my recent poetry because I needed time to talk to my family about it.  One year, three months, and five days down- now I start the counting over.  Here is the first poem expressing some of the feelings I had during the month I was “out”. Thanks for reading. Btw- I’ve quit again. Working in day four.

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I didn’t want to believe it
I tried to deny it was true
Justified and rationalized
Until I finally knew

I knew I had messed up
I knew I had “slipped”
There was no turning back
Reality couldn’t be dismissed

One year, three months and five days
And my addictions returned
It happened, seemingly, in an instant
Despite all I had learned

Total devastation, defeated
My spirits crushed into hopelessness
The breath yanked violently
From my tight, hurting chest

A shade of lifeless alabaster
Crimson flood within my veins
Blinded by denial, I couldn’t see
I’d not been clean for days

©E.D. Allee
April, 2014

 

Thought from Hazelden…

This post comes from a daily reading I receive from the Hazelden Foundation. Addiction treatment, recovery literature etc. It really struck me- maybe it will strike a couple of you too!

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To use the past without being controlled by it — that is our responsibility to history. Because the past is irrecoverably vanished, it’s sometimes tempting to forget it or to falsify it. But being true to ourselves means being true to our history.

Past cruelties can remain powerful in our lives — yet to take possession of our history means to free ourselves of bondage to past events. Nothing can ever change them. If we are to make the future good, we’ll learn what the past can teach us. But our freedom requires us to make choices based on the needs of the present, not the past.

I can act at every moment in such a way as to honor the past and enhance the future.

You are reading from the book:

The Promise of a New Day by Karen Casey and Martha Vanceburg

I remember when…

I remember when,
I was trying to stop dying.
I remember when,
I could not stop the crying.
I remember when,
I thought I’d never quit hurting.
I remember when,
I lost my shield for life’s sting.
I remember when,
Hope was strange and fleeting.
I remember when,
Nothing stopped the bleeding.

It pains me to see people brand new in sobriety,
Emotions twisted and unsettling.
Fear the dominant reality,
Pain unrelenting.

Trying to grasp onto some semblance of sanity,
Hearing muffled voices, not clear on what they’re saying.
Told to hold on and just not pick up today,
Fighting the constant pull to flee, reluctantly staying.

Believing I’d never be happy again,
Saturated in a self pity that despised the smiling.
Wondering how I’d ever Learn to live,
Without something to numb what I was feeling…

I saw me today.
Back in January of last year.
And I wanted to put her in my pocket,
To wipe her abundant tears.
I didn’t buy fully the things people said back then,
Their promises were pipe dreams to me.
I struggled each second for new breath,
Tormented by a darkness all consuming.

But,
The promises proved not to be lies,
If only she too can believe.
My heart still hurts for her,
I pray God can work through me…

©E.D. Allee
March, 2014

Pic:http://nyahmag.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/crying-woman.jpg

 

 

 

Sike! Perhaps the ice is a clue…

I’m still a good little alcoholic in recovery! Diet Dr. Pepper and powerade (virgins!). I’m also smoking candy cigarettes. 😛

View from Venetian Hotel/casino…

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haiku:

Can’t drink in the slots.

Cannot play with alcohol.

And I am okay!

Far From Sanity…

One of my talented blogger friends (http://mcfcwolf.wordpress.com) read and liked this poem earlier- and I noticed he was the first to read it. I posted it during my blog’s infancy- figure I will repost to give it a chance to be heard. Some of you may know I’m now a little over a year clean/sober. This poem was written when I was trying to get clean before I relapsed one last time to finally quit on January 5, 2013… A little darker than some of my stuff, but some may be able to relate. Thanks for reading!

journeyinrhyme

My mind is spinning spider webs in a dark and, crowded room
While it is imprisoned and overtaken by a restless state of doom
My warrior protectors have disappeared and I’ve been left alone
As the world slithers around me, and I don’t feel safe in my home

The feelings within bring to the surface only negativity
Which, if my mind wasn’t racing so, I could extinguish with sleep
Yet I remain awake while my world and body physically shake
And I’m forced, when confronted by “mysterious sounds and visuals”, to stay awake

I once was able to escape from this torture with a mixed cocktail created by me
But I find myself now adrift, upon a restless, wild and deep ocean- called early sobriety
Thoughts, thoughts bumping into each other as they race to a nonexistent finish
Around in circles my head goes, I just wish this incessant static…

View original post 154 more words

This Will Pass…

I hear him calling

He who was my master

My ears harken

Temptation pulling

I felt safe for a time

I’m fearful again

Fearing another descent

Down the hard bottom abyss

This will pass

I don’t wanna  go back

To my old way of living

Which wasn’t living

It was dying

In an accelerated slow fade

 

I don’t even know why 

I would entertain the thought

Many losses

Countless known

Countless hidden

Traded

For memories that haunt

Stubborn to part

I continue to nourish the torment

Upon my bruised soul

 

21 yrs of my life under rule

By a dictator I submitted to

My voice was constrained

My screams inaudible

Eventually I quit screaming

To save my voice

 

I needed to assign speech to the mask

 

I remember him

I feel him

As if he were again inside me

Penetrating to a once void core

A core he was granted free entry

I’d like to say there is no room for him

And I’m so sorry to God

Ashamed that there would be any questions

Any vacant space available

This will pass

He didn’t die when I quit him

And I think he’s grown stronger

Strategizing and plotting the next take down

An opportunity to carry me below

 

Insidious he is

He can’t be tamed 

I don’t want to try it again

I pray I won’t

 

I have a pulse, and I am still me

Reasons enough to use or drink

I won’t feel this way forever

Maybe

I hope

 

This will pass

 

Things have been great overall

I’ve been gifted with peace I didn’t expect

Genuine peace

Not vain attempts

To know fleeting sensations

 

I hold to God

My heart is His now

I needn’t be a slave again

I want to live

Awake with eyes open

I pray for relief

For God to carry me through

I too grow stronger

I’ve built forces of my own

He has no power over me

Save that which I give

I will not extend my hand

To his outreaching limbs

Though I sometimes still long for him

I will hold tight to God’s grasp

I will seek support 

From another freed slave

This will pass

9 months and five days… That is a gift I cherish

All I have is this moment

I try to live one day at a time

 

I know I no longer fight unassisted

I understand my own strength is lacking

I haven’t a chance to win

Unless with me God is fighting

 

What’s with the allure

To such a twisted manipulation????

 

I’ve become complacent

Let my guard down

Secretly fed him by my passivity

I can’t turn my back away

I must be vigilant

This will pass

 

It’s been a good while

Ride it out

Deny him once again

Deny yourself again

 

Illusory rewards

Tempting and tragic

False promises I believed as truth

I still give ear

I still dance with the desire

I still romanticize my altering

I minimize the harsh recollections

I entertain dangerous notions

I have trouble ignoring the lies he whispers

I experience moments where hope is scarce

 

This will pass.

 

God’s got you Elizabeth…

 

©E.D. Allee

October 10, 2013

 

“Thanks for letting me share.”

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I don’t always feel this way. It’s actually been a long time since I have. I’m riding it out.  I still have a lot to allow God to change, ever a work in progress. Thank you for reading. I’m sending gratitude out into the universe to you… soak it up!