Poetic Journey in Personal Discovery

Posts tagged ‘alcoholism’

LIVE MIRROR… (Based on photo title from blog theobviousandhidden.com)

Photo Title: Live Mirror

Photo Title: Live Mirror

Live mirror…
Activated by the tears of momentary regret and hopelessness.
Spaces between are the clarity of needed renewal,
and the brilliant light of optimistic potential.
My crashing life held in tact by both the real and illusory branches of the shedding trees.
There is motion.
I am part of this moving ecosystem.
The rhythmic echoes sustain me.
The live mirror is life.
I am alive.
And I will move forward.

©E.D. Allee
October, 2015

The Obvious and The Hidden is one of my favorite blogs to follow. The titles that are applied to his amazing photography are perfection! I was searching through the history, since it’s been a good while that I’ve been on wordpress, and I went to May 10th- my sobriety date (2014). Note: this photo may be found in 2015. I was moved to remember that day and combine it with the success of today when writing this piece- a little over 17 months clean/sober and feeling great! I kind of dropped off wordpress at that time. Which is crazy!!! My, how time flies!! I was soooo active before. Miss all you guys. Trying to jump back in. Peace to you all.

Please Receive…

I happened to run into a person I knew on an acquaintance level in AA- at a hospital AA meeting. This is not a meeting I go too.  She is inpatient for detox and drug/alcohol rehab. There is more to the back story, but in general our reconnecting seemed quite supernaturally guided. Hope you are all well.

Witness to a familiar despair.
Eyes filled with tears, yet void of hope.
Questions swirling in unorganized fury.
Where to from here? You do not know.

Behind heavy, locked doors,
Flashlights frequent your closed eyelids.
Rows of rooms filled with strangers,
An energy of demoralization exists.

Well perfected masks, cracking all around.
Truths withheld due to fear.
Pseudo camaraderie, thirsty to connect.
Afraid to stay, and afraid to go back “out there”

Battered by cruel and abusive emotions,
Lies hauntingly scream of future failure.
Heart and mind blocked from receiving,
Help from those who’ve been there.

You…

You can’t recall arriving.
Twenty eight days, one pair of clothes.
No friends or family to call,
Feeling isolated, pathologically alone.

I’m glad I saw you; I’m sure that was God.
We hadn’t spoken since last year.
Simply AA acquaintances, yet I felt an intuitive pull,
A new meeting, I’m sure God brought me there.

I pray for God to show me how to help.
I pray you receive it…

©E.D. Allee
May, 2014

 

Hopeless Despair… (Tales of relapse)

I can’t describe the devastation
The ache within my soul
I really thought this was my last go round
That I’d stay clean and sober, I’d grown

My failing incites hopeless despair
Suggests a lack of progress
I’m so disappointed I must start again
Seems such a futile conquest

My immature reaction grieves me
I want to “make the most” of this relapse
Use and drink as much as I can
Enthusiastically I gravitate to pure collapse

I hear the destructiveness
I hear the surrender and defeat
Yet, I’m grateful God has placed within
Many reasons to hope and believe…

©E.D. Allee
May, 2014

***********

New sobriety date May, 10, 2014

These recent “relapse poems” were written while I was in active drinking/using. I’m feeling much better today. I did not lose all I learned in the one year, three months, and five days I was clean/sober. I have to start the counter again… But I’ve learned so much. Thanks for reading guys. Much love.

Elizabeth (E)

Again… Tales of Relapse

It touched me again
I felt it deep inside
Pleasure it delivered
Me senses were electrified

And I had to know it again
And again, and again…….

One year, three months, five days
And I must begin again
I don’t feel confident
This fight I’ll ever win

©E.D. Allee
May, 2014

 

back on the wagon- new date: May 10, 2014

Addiction’s Beastly Riddle… (Writer’s Digest Poem A Day Challenge- Day 27)

For today’s prompt, write a monster poem. There are the usual suspects: zombies, vampires, werewolves, and mummies. But monsters can take any form and terrorize a variety of victims.

The monster’s in wait

He is always hungry, yet

Grows strong without food…

©E.D. Allee April, 2014

A Future In Recovery… Writer’s Digest Poem A Day Challenge. Prompt: Future

 

image

I once knew my future.
I could see it in my mind.
Not really one I would have selected,
If I could have chosen from a line.

I once felt hopeless about the future,
I didn’t know why I had to wait.
I wondered why I was here at all,
Why I couldn’t just rush fate.

I once feared the future,
Unsure if I had enough strength.
To make it through the pain,
In the path of final tragedy.

But I realize I was wrong,
That the lenses I peered through were tainted.
By deception and fears I’d adopted,
Regarding a future unpainted.

I no longer claim knowledge of what’s to come.
Predicting, I don’t even try.
I don’t worry about what will be.
One day at a time, on God I rely.

©E.D. Allee
April, 2014

Image: http://shapingheresteem.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/Blank-Canvas-Outdoor.jpg

 

To Feel Was To Die…Day 7 Poem A Day Challenge. Prompt: Self Portrait

Self Portrait Prompt: The first thing that comes to my mind when describing myself is I’m compassionate – empathy to a torturous degree without God’s help! I feel like a bit of a one trick pony of late- recovery/addiction are obviously huge parts of my life – but it’s been a little on the overkill level in my recent posts it seems- maybe not- either way- this poem won’t disappoint in the recovery theme! Thanks for hangin in here with me on my journey. Much love to you all.

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My heart beats with compassion for the hurting,
The souls lost in a world flooded with pain.
The tortured and the struggling,
For the angry, alone and afraid.

I feel deeply to a core that’s been whittled away,
By time, and through experiences’ stains.
The aches of many, their sufferings,
The feelings run like broken glass through my veins.

To feel is to be alive.
But to feel, at one time for me was to die…

I once considered empathy an encumbrance,
So much weight, I couldn’t shoulder it.
I see now, trying to carry it alone was foolishness,
God gave me this heart; He’s shown me it’s a gift.

I’m growing and evolving each moment,
I’m no longer running from a false opponent.
In recovery, I’m learning to be content,
God sustains this heart as it laments.

©E.D. Allee
April, 2014

Awaken, Not to Life…

image

Thick, black mascara tears.
Still lying on the tile,
Cold and hard
Is her hazy, piecemeal truth.

Small cuts evrywhere,
Diced pain.
Broken glass surrounds.
She thinks to herself… Again?

She Wonders:

How she got here,

Where “here” is,

And if she’ll ever leave…

©E.D. Allee
March, 2014

Image: http://www.wall321.com/thumbnails/detail/20130126/510472efd7a45.jpg

 

Thought from Hazelden…

This post comes from a daily reading I receive from the Hazelden Foundation. Addiction treatment, recovery literature etc. It really struck me- maybe it will strike a couple of you too!

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To use the past without being controlled by it — that is our responsibility to history. Because the past is irrecoverably vanished, it’s sometimes tempting to forget it or to falsify it. But being true to ourselves means being true to our history.

Past cruelties can remain powerful in our lives — yet to take possession of our history means to free ourselves of bondage to past events. Nothing can ever change them. If we are to make the future good, we’ll learn what the past can teach us. But our freedom requires us to make choices based on the needs of the present, not the past.

I can act at every moment in such a way as to honor the past and enhance the future.

You are reading from the book:

The Promise of a New Day by Karen Casey and Martha Vanceburg

Day One…

Welcome to my first poetry duet! A fun, challenging and therapeutic process/ with the subject matter hitting home.

My collaborative poetic friend was a delight to work with. He has a kind and compassionate heart which I’ve come to know and care for. His blog expresses the darker “Poe” side of things with a creative and unique perspective. Check him out : http://jmc813.wordpress.com

image
Today is the day, I’m going to do it this time.
I’m finally finished, I can leave it behind.

Do you hear yourself? You’ve said it time and again.
It’s eleven in the morning, I’ll see you by ten.

Tick, tick, tick, tick…each one louder than the last.
Skin’s starting to crawl, feet tap erratic and fast.

~

I have the strength and courage to see this through.
I just HAVE to stop, this endeavor long overdue.

I am amused and laugh heartily at your expense.
You know that to leave me behind makes no sense.

The Tick Tock of life’s clock and all that remains is time.
Time to wallow in his pitiful misery as the bells begin to chime.

~

But I can taste whiskey in the back of my throat.
Maybe this time really will be different; I’ll keep control.

Yes, yes, taste it my friend, feel the tonic coursing.
You can’t live without it, why don’t you just stop trying?

Tick, tick, tick… finger taps keeping time, mind in spiraling flux.
Compromised resolve, his needs equate to his lusts.

~

My all consuming thought’s drive the insanity in my head.
What could be the reason for my living epitaph to be read?

That’s it, breathe in your weakness; submit to my prison.
Your mind, body, and soul will be mine through alcohol’s attrition.

Following the steady pour of sands through the hourglass.
Time rapidly running short, mimics misspent days gone past.

~

Get out of my head! Let me be! I really want to live!
I don’t want to remain a slave to your poisonous grip.

You’ve said that before, you always come back.
Don’t pretend you’re so strong, power you lack.

Tick.. Tick… Tick, Tock…
Like demon addiction, the timekeeper mocks.

~

I possess everything it takes, I know this to be true.
I have the ferocity and determination to be free of you.

You have neither of those things you cowardly fool.
Realize you’re a slave to me, the bottle my deadliest tool.

As time marches forward, a shift begins to transpire.
As the antagonist addiction begins losing it’s fire.

~

A new voice sprang from within, not from mind, but heart.
Vipers tongue silenced, knowledge and hope to impart.

A calm began to surround him as his focus shifted.
From obsession, suddenly success he could envision.

Tick, tick, tick, tock.
He hasn’t taken a drink, and it’s past ten o’clock…

~

Day One.

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