Photo Title: Live Mirror
Activated by the tears of momentary regret and hopelessness.
Spaces between are the clarity of needed renewal,
and the brilliant light of optimistic potential.
My crashing life held in tact by both the real and illusory branches of the shedding trees.
There is motion.
I am part of this moving ecosystem.
The rhythmic echoes sustain me.
The live mirror is life.
I am alive.
And I will move forward.
The Obvious and The Hidden is one of my favorite blogs to follow. The titles that are applied to his amazing photography are perfection! I was searching through the history, since it’s been a good while that I’ve been on wordpress, and I went to May 10th- my sobriety date (2014). Note: this photo may be found in 2015. I was moved to remember that day and combine it with the success of today when writing this piece- a little over 17 months clean/sober and feeling great! I kind of dropped off wordpress at that time. Which is crazy!!! My, how time flies!! I was soooo active before. Miss all you guys. Trying to jump back in. Peace to you all.
I happened to run into a person I knew on an acquaintance level in AA- at a hospital AA meeting. This is not a meeting I go too. She is inpatient for detox and drug/alcohol rehab. There is more to the back story, but in general our reconnecting seemed quite supernaturally guided. Hope you are all well.
Witness to a familiar despair.
Eyes filled with tears, yet void of hope.
Questions swirling in unorganized fury.
Where to from here? You do not know.
Behind heavy, locked doors,
Flashlights frequent your closed eyelids.
Rows of rooms filled with strangers,
An energy of demoralization exists.
Well perfected masks, cracking all around.
Truths withheld due to fear.
Pseudo camaraderie, thirsty to connect.
Afraid to stay, and afraid to go back “out there”
Battered by cruel and abusive emotions,
Lies hauntingly scream of future failure.
Heart and mind blocked from receiving,
Help from those who’ve been there.
You can’t recall arriving.
Twenty eight days, one pair of clothes.
No friends or family to call,
Feeling isolated, pathologically alone.
I’m glad I saw you; I’m sure that was God.
We hadn’t spoken since last year.
Simply AA acquaintances, yet I felt an intuitive pull,
A new meeting, I’m sure God brought me there.
I pray for God to show me how to help.
I pray you receive it…
I can’t describe the devastation
The ache within my soul
I really thought this was my last go round
That I’d stay clean and sober, I’d grown
My failing incites hopeless despair
Suggests a lack of progress
I’m so disappointed I must start again
Seems such a futile conquest
My immature reaction grieves me
I want to “make the most” of this relapse
Use and drink as much as I can
Enthusiastically I gravitate to pure collapse
I hear the destructiveness
I hear the surrender and defeat
Yet, I’m grateful God has placed within
Many reasons to hope and believe…
New sobriety date May, 10, 2014
These recent “relapse poems” were written while I was in active drinking/using. I’m feeling much better today. I did not lose all I learned in the one year, three months, and five days I was clean/sober. I have to start the counter again… But I’ve learned so much. Thanks for reading guys. Much love.
It touched me again
I felt it deep inside
Pleasure it delivered
Me senses were electrified
And I had to know it again
And again, and again…….
One year, three months, five days
And I must begin again
I don’t feel confident
This fight I’ll ever win
back on the wagon- new date: May 10, 2014
For today’s prompt, write a monster poem. There are the usual suspects: zombies, vampires, werewolves, and mummies. But monsters can take any form and terrorize a variety of victims.
The monster’s in wait
He is always hungry, yet
Grows strong without food…
©E.D. Allee April, 2014
I once knew my future.
I could see it in my mind.
Not really one I would have selected,
If I could have chosen from a line.
I once felt hopeless about the future,
I didn’t know why I had to wait.
I wondered why I was here at all,
Why I couldn’t just rush fate.
I once feared the future,
Unsure if I had enough strength.
To make it through the pain,
In the path of final tragedy.
But I realize I was wrong,
That the lenses I peered through were tainted.
By deception and fears I’d adopted,
Regarding a future unpainted.
I no longer claim knowledge of what’s to come.
Predicting, I don’t even try.
I don’t worry about what will be.
One day at a time, on God I rely.
Self Portrait Prompt: The first thing that comes to my mind when describing myself is I’m compassionate – empathy to a torturous degree without God’s help! I feel like a bit of a one trick pony of late- recovery/addiction are obviously huge parts of my life – but it’s been a little on the overkill level in my recent posts it seems- maybe not- either way- this poem won’t disappoint in the recovery theme! Thanks for hangin in here with me on my journey. Much love to you all.
My heart beats with compassion for the hurting,
The souls lost in a world flooded with pain.
The tortured and the struggling,
For the angry, alone and afraid.
I feel deeply to a core that’s been whittled away,
By time, and through experiences’ stains.
The aches of many, their sufferings,
The feelings run like broken glass through my veins.
To feel is to be alive.
But to feel, at one time for me was to die…
I once considered empathy an encumbrance,
So much weight, I couldn’t shoulder it.
I see now, trying to carry it alone was foolishness,
God gave me this heart; He’s shown me it’s a gift.
I’m growing and evolving each moment,
I’m no longer running from a false opponent.
In recovery, I’m learning to be content,
God sustains this heart as it laments.