Poetic Journey in Personal Discovery

This Will Pass…

I hear him calling

He who was my master

My ears harken

Temptation pulling

I felt safe for a time

I’m fearful again

Fearing another descent

Down the hard bottom abyss

This will pass

I don’t wanna  go back

To my old way of living

Which wasn’t living

It was dying

In an accelerated slow fade

 

I don’t even know why 

I would entertain the thought

Many losses

Countless known

Countless hidden

Traded

For memories that haunt

Stubborn to part

I continue to nourish the torment

Upon my bruised soul

 

21 yrs of my life under rule

By a dictator I submitted to

My voice was constrained

My screams inaudible

Eventually I quit screaming

To save my voice

 

I needed to assign speech to the mask

 

I remember him

I feel him

As if he were again inside me

Penetrating to a once void core

A core he was granted free entry

I’d like to say there is no room for him

And I’m so sorry to God

Ashamed that there would be any questions

Any vacant space available

This will pass

He didn’t die when I quit him

And I think he’s grown stronger

Strategizing and plotting the next take down

An opportunity to carry me below

 

Insidious he is

He can’t be tamed 

I don’t want to try it again

I pray I won’t

 

I have a pulse, and I am still me

Reasons enough to use or drink

I won’t feel this way forever

Maybe

I hope

 

This will pass

 

Things have been great overall

I’ve been gifted with peace I didn’t expect

Genuine peace

Not vain attempts

To know fleeting sensations

 

I hold to God

My heart is His now

I needn’t be a slave again

I want to live

Awake with eyes open

I pray for relief

For God to carry me through

I too grow stronger

I’ve built forces of my own

He has no power over me

Save that which I give

I will not extend my hand

To his outreaching limbs

Though I sometimes still long for him

I will hold tight to God’s grasp

I will seek support 

From another freed slave

This will pass

9 months and five days… That is a gift I cherish

All I have is this moment

I try to live one day at a time

 

I know I no longer fight unassisted

I understand my own strength is lacking

I haven’t a chance to win

Unless with me God is fighting

 

What’s with the allure

To such a twisted manipulation????

 

I’ve become complacent

Let my guard down

Secretly fed him by my passivity

I can’t turn my back away

I must be vigilant

This will pass

 

It’s been a good while

Ride it out

Deny him once again

Deny yourself again

 

Illusory rewards

Tempting and tragic

False promises I believed as truth

I still give ear

I still dance with the desire

I still romanticize my altering

I minimize the harsh recollections

I entertain dangerous notions

I have trouble ignoring the lies he whispers

I experience moments where hope is scarce

 

This will pass.

 

God’s got you Elizabeth…

 

©E.D. Allee

October 10, 2013

 

“Thanks for letting me share.”

_________________________________

I don’t always feel this way. It’s actually been a long time since I have. I’m riding it out.  I still have a lot to allow God to change, ever a work in progress. Thank you for reading. I’m sending gratitude out into the universe to you… soak it up!

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Comments on: "This Will Pass…" (11)

  1. No longer chained to the addiction. Well done.
    But ‘I understand my own strength is lacking” That is something you cannot say.
    You do have the strength, you just need to see it.

    • Thank you for your considerate and supportive reply. I do have strength – I agree. However, I’ve always relied on my own strength- which is lacking without help from God. But I guess i do underestimate my personal strength… Thanks for the reminder!

  2. Addiction is a horrible, relentless master. Remember the pain and suffering and feel the joy of not living in it. You express yourself so well with your words. Excellent poem.

  3. This is written with such power, knowledge and intellect. Fabulously orchestrated ma’am.

  4. Reblogged this on journeyinrhyme and commented:

    I wrote this about five months ago- creepy to me how I still occasionally feel the same. But I’m clean/sober right now! This is a different style for me- not rhyme centered – free flowing thoughts. Thanks for reading!

  5. Writing about it is such a good way through. Its always a demon on our shoulder. But being aware is the biggest gift and you are aware. We can be totally taken by surprise by the power of this demon. But we have the tools to send him packing and as long as we do the work the demon cannot win. 12 years down the path of sobriety I still cant allow complacency to set in. I admire you’re ongoing courage. Yes, this too will pass.

    • Thank you for your supportive and powerful comment. Not becoming complacent is an important reminder. I kind of lean towards complacency at times- maybe we all do, but I know that’s not gonna fly! Writing certainly helps for me. Thanks again!

  6. Interesting to see you writing in free verse! Writing with this form can be really healing. You did a wonderful job, while finding powerful language to express your emotions. Much love and support in your journey…

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