Poetic Journey in Personal Discovery

Posts tagged ‘AA’

See The Transformation…

Artist: Danny O'Conner Art By Doc Amazing!!!!! http://art-by-doc.deviantart.com/art/Visions-Of-Summer-355602069

Artist: Danny O’Conner Art By Doc Amazing!!!!! http://art-by-doc.deviantart.com/art/Visions-Of-Summer-355602069

See the transformation,
The change before the change.
The metamorphosis which will be,
When it’s the true you, you embrace.

Her ethereal existence,
Whisper of your tomorrow upon today.
Awaiting the steps of your journey,
Starting with one, your courage displayed.

You’ve been afraid to discover,
What’s destined to be yours.
Truths hidden by layers of facades,
Authenticity masked, hope obscured.

But I see her. Wings unveiled.
Through the hardships and mistakes.
To the light that already is,
And a dawn that waits to break…

©E.D. Allee
February 2015

Dedicated to a friend in a newly blossoming friendship… Angela
Wishing her beauty in self discovery upon her journey.

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At The Jumping Off Place…

The jumping off place,

Pursued by familiar disaster.

Flames, whirling winds,

Consuming the ground

on which you stand.

No time to consider,

You’ve waited too long.

Close your eyes.

Take a breath and let go.

Through surrender

You’re transformed…

©E.D. Allee
September, 2014

Please Receive…

I happened to run into a person I knew on an acquaintance level in AA- at a hospital AA meeting. This is not a meeting I go too.  She is inpatient for detox and drug/alcohol rehab. There is more to the back story, but in general our reconnecting seemed quite supernaturally guided. Hope you are all well.

Witness to a familiar despair.
Eyes filled with tears, yet void of hope.
Questions swirling in unorganized fury.
Where to from here? You do not know.

Behind heavy, locked doors,
Flashlights frequent your closed eyelids.
Rows of rooms filled with strangers,
An energy of demoralization exists.

Well perfected masks, cracking all around.
Truths withheld due to fear.
Pseudo camaraderie, thirsty to connect.
Afraid to stay, and afraid to go back “out there”

Battered by cruel and abusive emotions,
Lies hauntingly scream of future failure.
Heart and mind blocked from receiving,
Help from those who’ve been there.

You…

You can’t recall arriving.
Twenty eight days, one pair of clothes.
No friends or family to call,
Feeling isolated, pathologically alone.

I’m glad I saw you; I’m sure that was God.
We hadn’t spoken since last year.
Simply AA acquaintances, yet I felt an intuitive pull,
A new meeting, I’m sure God brought me there.

I pray for God to show me how to help.
I pray you receive it…

©E.D. Allee
May, 2014

 

I remember when…

image

I remember when,
I was trying to stop dying.
I remember when,
I could not stop the crying.
I remember when,
I thought I’d never quit hurting.
I remember when,
I lost my shield for life’s sting.
I remember when,
Hope was strange and fleeting.
I remember when,
Nothing stopped the bleeding.

It pains me to see people brand new in sobriety,
Emotions twisted and unsettling.
Fear the dominant reality,
Pain unrelenting.

Trying to grasp onto some semblance of sanity,
Hearing muffled voices, not clear on what they’re saying.
Told to hold on and just not pick up today,
Fighting the constant pull to flee, reluctantly staying.

Believing I’d never be happy again,
Saturated in a self pity that despised the smiling.
Wondering how I’d ever Learn to live,
Without something to numb what I was feeling…

I saw me today.
Back in January of last year.
And I wanted to put her in my pocket,
To wipe her abundant tears.
I didn’t buy fully the things people said back then,
Their promises were pipe dreams to me.
I struggled each second for new breath,
Tormented by a darkness all consuming.

But,
The promises proved not to be lies,
If only she too can believe.
My heart still hurts for her,
I pray God can work through me…

©E.D. Allee
March, 2014

Pic:http://nyahmag.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/crying-woman.jpg

 

 

 

WHAT Is This?!!

I am not sure why,
But I have to say it’s scary.
The thoughts within my mind,
Fear is creeping in on me.

Considerations of chemical alteration,
What the heck is this?
It’s been over a year since I drank or used,
But these feelings are so intense!

I feel the memories of my altered states,
Like bliss flowing through my body.
My eyes close in recollective reflection,
What is happening to me?!

I’m taking this quite well,
Under the serious circumstances.
I meet with my sponsor today,
And have two meetings planned.

This doesn’t have to ruin me.
God’s got me, and won’t let go.
I’m just perplexed at this reality.
Yet, I suspect it will help me grow.

©E.D. Allee

January, 2014

 

 

 

 

 

 

One Year Clean And Sober…

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Three hundred sixty five days have past
Leading to a miracle I couldn’t envision
I once wished to end my life
To be free from two decades of prison

Shackled in bondage to an unrelenting master
A jailor spiteful and cruel
One who fed me to sustain my life
Only to prolong his rule

The years grew darker with time
The window to my cell got smaller
I knew little peace with eyes open
And my dreams were filled with horror

The illusory sense of peace
I once so craved and desired
Melted away into pools of necessity
With painted emotions and scribbled smiles

On the last day I used…
January fourth two thousand thirteen
I knew my options were to quit or die
A choice terribly hard for me

Death or life without chemical alteration
Finally live free from addictions’ chains
A decision perhaps simple for some
But I was terrified I’d fail at trying to change

I did choose life, leaping forward in faith
Holding only to a desperate desire
I’d failed many times before
Although my needs were always dire 

I dwelled in a dark abyss of my design
An abyss filled with a raging sea
Kept afloat by drink or drug
The very same which tried to drown me

I quit… I was angry, afraid, in pain, and shaking
Sick and weak, unstable in mind and emotions
Grasping to something I couldn’t see
Hopeless, alone, worn and broken

In time things improved, I began to let go
Of the grip I held destructively tight 
I became willing to get the help I needed
And gradually saw hope in sight

I had an AA sponsor by then
Cynthia, The helper I came to know
Addiction treatment and meetings
Began revealing alternatives to sorrow

I opened up to God, my higher power
I sought diligently to know Him once more
I learned belief was insufficient
My faith had to be restored

My abyss began filling the moment I stopped digging
Eventually I grabbed outstretched hands
The raging sea became an ocean of soft swells
And at that time healing began

One year later, far removed from that darkness
I reflect upon the trials and triumphs
I’m grateful I declined death’s temptation
By accepting God’s help and guidance

If only I had known back then…
I’d have told my broken spirit to hold on
I’d share with her what I understand now
Let her know hope exists upon new horizons
I’d cheer her on each day of success
Hold her hand with each falling tear
Tell her that life will not hurt so bad forever
And that one day she’ll be able to feel
She’d feel without the torment of ever increasing pain
She’d sit still in her own skin
She’d look people in the eyes, not down in shame
She’d break free from the demons within

To myself today I say
You’re a long way from that arduous start
One day at a time you’ve progressed
But you mustn’t ever stop
Stay close to God and continue seeking
So enlightenment you’ll find
Walk forward, using the past as a tool
Demons in wait, grow stronger in time
Know you can never open the door
To the world which once enslaved you
Be vigilant not to fall into the nets 
Cast as traps meant to undo

Way to go Elizabeth
You’ve achieved the seemingly impossible
I will write to you again this time next year
And report on the remarkable!

©E.D. Allee
January 5, 2014

 

11 Months Clean/Sober: Haiku Reflection

 

Eleven months clean
Didn’t see that one coming
One day at a time!

I know newfound peace
Promises are coming true
I hope for today

What once was a dream
Becoming reality
I’m grateful to God

Knowing renewal 
I sit and reflect in awe
I am worth saving 

AA’s been for me
A catalyst to my growth
Helping light the way

©E.D. Allee

December 5, 2013

 

 

 

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