Poetic Journey in Personal Discovery

I remember when…

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I remember when,
I was trying to stop dying.
I remember when,
I could not stop the crying.
I remember when,
I thought I’d never quit hurting.
I remember when,
I lost my shield for life’s sting.
I remember when,
Hope was strange and fleeting.
I remember when,
Nothing stopped the bleeding.

It pains me to see people brand new in sobriety,
Emotions twisted and unsettling.
Fear the dominant reality,
Pain unrelenting.

Trying to grasp onto some semblance of sanity,
Hearing muffled voices, not clear on what they’re saying.
Told to hold on and just not pick up today,
Fighting the constant pull to flee, reluctantly staying.

Believing I’d never be happy again,
Saturated in a self pity that despised the smiling.
Wondering how I’d ever Learn to live,
Without something to numb what I was feeling…

I saw me today.
Back in January of last year.
And I wanted to put her in my pocket,
To wipe her abundant tears.
I didn’t buy fully the things people said back then,
Their promises were pipe dreams to me.
I struggled each second for new breath,
Tormented by a darkness all consuming.

But,
The promises proved not to be lies,
If only she too can believe.
My heart still hurts for her,
I pray God can work through me…

©E.D. Allee
March, 2014

Pic:http://nyahmag.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/crying-woman.jpg

 

 

 

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Comments on: "I remember when…" (18)

  1. Such a perfectly beautiful and important piece. I have seen and felt all of this before. It makes me proud to see you reaching out and sharing your precious gift of sobriety E.

    • I hope she calls. Was a motivating experience… I really need to jump out of my selfish isolation and maybe hit a few meetings to be there for other addicted folks. Having some “I suck” emotions over this slackerville reality- conviction more than full condemnation I suppose. Apparently God’s not gonna leave me where I am! He just keeps speakin.

      >

      • Be there for YOU as well E. Helping is great, but draw your own strength from it as well. And never let helping others get in the way of your own sobriety. I have seen a few sponsors “go out” as a result of some heavy drama. Hope I am not being too advicey (for lack of a better term.)

      • No, I appreciate your thoughts always- what I do with them is up to me- so keep the honesty comin! I don’t think I’m quite sponsor level yet- not take through the steps wise. I am honestly a little worried (full-on lack of faith admittedly)- I “suck into” people. I become what they are feeling in a sense… Never have quite handled that very well, as is evidenced by my active addictions. I can’t go to walmart without saying prayers for people my heart and perceptions deem hurting- they are everywhere- anxious, angry, sad, depressed, stressed… It physically hurts!!! Soooooo, I guess we will see. Have to remember it’s not my strength I will depend on. I will have to have a stronger program though…

        Sent from my iPad

        >

      • You have a compassionate heart and soul. That is a wonderful thing. Just know to be selfish with your self and sobriety from time to time and you will have a better perspective for helping others. Selfish sounds like a harsh word, but it is the only way I know to convey the tenacity needed to keep the demons at bay. We are much better equipped to help others when we are standing on our own solid foundation.

        And thank you for being thoughtful of my wishes for you. I hate the word advice and never mean it to come across that way. Just passing along a bit of my experience to do with what you will or will not my friend.

      • I hear you. I agree that a firm foundation is imperative, lookin to really obtain and maintain one of those! TY for the reminder and the sharing of your experience. Always welcome hon. Much of what it’s about. I’m tired of failing. But being tired of something has never kept me from messing up before. Glad your on my side!

        Sent from my iPad

        >

      • I am always on your side. Both with words, and a heart full of moral support. Feel free to lean if ya need a shoulder during weak times E.

      • Ty. Not as much to offer perhaps- but back atcha!

        Sent from my iPad

        >

      • Everybody has something to offer. We share a commonality in our disease, but I suspect our similarities go far beyond just that. The love of words for one…….Thanks for everything Bud E!!

      • 😉

        Sent from my iPad

        >

  2. Oh that’s so touching, aching really–it’s hard when we’re in that desperate place (whether it’s related to a substance, or not)–I remember too well. And it’s been scary to have some of that fear return recently–even though I know my faith is stronger now, than then. I absolutely believe God will work through you–no doubts whatsoever.

  3. Honestly JT said:

    This is well written. I like how we are able to reach out to others in person and when we write. Btw, I’m Adventist and I will pray for you. What’s your name?

  4. It’s wonderful to hear a such a positive outlook! Wisely written! Well done onion!

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