Pain cuts deep.
Past the surface.
Through bone and flesh.
What happens next…
The lies I once believed,
The whispers in my ears.
The fear born deep within,
Accepting as truth, what I would hear.
Following the insidious leadings,
Into the realm of self destruction.
Smothered by a heavy darkness,
To which I’d helplessly succumb.
Now that power has faded.
Lies replaced with God’s truth.
Fear is buffered within me,
By a shield of faith I lift and use.
I can resist the temptation, when hurt,
Which once locked me in chains.
Tonight I did not drink or use,
Only God could make that change…
The jumping off place,
Pursued by familiar disaster.
Flames, whirling winds,
Consuming the ground
on which you stand.
No time to consider,
You’ve waited too long.
Close your eyes.
Take a breath and let go.
How to slay a dragon
How to miss its fiery torment
As it chases you from dusk to dawn
Bringing fear and pain with it
Sword and shield in hand
Despite aggressive forebodings
Courage in the face of terror
Like David with stone and sling
Slaying a dragon
Requires faith and surrender
We cannot achieve this alone
God is our sword, stone…our ultimate defender
I happened to run into a person I knew on an acquaintance level in AA- at a hospital AA meeting. This is not a meeting I go too. She is inpatient for detox and drug/alcohol rehab. There is more to the back story, but in general our reconnecting seemed quite supernaturally guided. Hope you are all well.
Witness to a familiar despair.
Eyes filled with tears, yet void of hope.
Questions swirling in unorganized fury.
Where to from here? You do not know.
Behind heavy, locked doors,
Flashlights frequent your closed eyelids.
Rows of rooms filled with strangers,
An energy of demoralization exists.
Well perfected masks, cracking all around.
Truths withheld due to fear.
Pseudo camaraderie, thirsty to connect.
Afraid to stay, and afraid to go back “out there”
Battered by cruel and abusive emotions,
Lies hauntingly scream of future failure.
Heart and mind blocked from receiving,
Help from those who’ve been there.
You can’t recall arriving.
Twenty eight days, one pair of clothes.
No friends or family to call,
Feeling isolated, pathologically alone.
I’m glad I saw you; I’m sure that was God.
We hadn’t spoken since last year.
Simply AA acquaintances, yet I felt an intuitive pull,
A new meeting, I’m sure God brought me there.
I pray for God to show me how to help.
I pray you receive it…
As the storms rage,
Dark clouds block the sun.
Lightning and thunder
spill their fury
With beastly intensity.
With forceful ease.
I cannot hear
I cannot see clearly
I have to hide
I grow frightened and weary
The storm passes.
Sun’s healing light
Befalls the fallen.
The earth swallows
A peaceful calm surrounds.
Threatening gales fade
Into gentle breezes.
And recovery begins.
I can hear
I can see clearly
I needn’t hide
The world isn’t quite so scary
Snap out of it; it’s over
There nothing you can do
The self pity is strangling
Move on and start anew
You’ve fallen and it hurt
You’re a little broken and bruised
But you’re on track to succeed
Get focused in that groove
I write for catharsis
I write so others feel less marooned
I write to encourage empathy
For people not like you
I’ve been on pause to mourn
I’m shedding the feelings of doom
Time’s stood still long enough
I must reclaim hope and gratitude…
This is part of my journey. My mistakes and trials help me grow. Acceptance has been hard this time, but I’m still here. I’m still breathing. My heartbeat and my pain are evidence of life, and I owe it to God, myself, and those I love… To strive.
New sobriety date: May 10, 2014