But will He for you?

Aside

Belief hasn’t been an issue.

I’ve seen enough of the unseen to know.

Faith that You CAN? You are Amazing God!

Those seeds of doubt I did not sew.

I surveyed my own worth,

And that’s where it began…

 

“BUT WILL HE FOR you?”

 

A sinister meditation,

With one implication,

Through constant replication,

Filled with guilt and condemnation,

Straining air and circulation,

If only I hadn’t listened,

I’d of held my position,

There’d have been no competition,

For my time and attention,

Communion, each days’ intention,

With The God of all creation,

Not a spiritual vacation,

Standing on my power- an illusion,

Lacking faith, hope or vision…

Thanks for holding on when I didn’t,

I’ve missed Your presence, Your Power,

It could have been different… perhaps,

If I hadn’t drifted so long.

Not remembering WHO You ARE,

Or who i am, because of the Cross.

 

My heart is once again open,

Scales have fallen from my eyes.

I seek to follow You closely,

And live in Your grace-filled  light…

 

I pray You help me,

In Jesus’ name, Amen

Written by: elizabeth dianne allee

 

Insanity…

Ever hit one of these,

So hard your nose bleeds,

And u swear you won’t do it again?

You pick yourself up.

You dust yourself off.

And rev up the ole’ flame within.

You’ve grabbed no new tools,

You’re going faster than before,

And you’re head is straight up your ass.

Not a glamorous sight,

But appearance aside…

You’ve learned to fail with class!

The same brick wall.

The same barricade.

Will sanity ever win?

Perhaps you’ll bust it down,

Or maybe go around,

Or simply repeat… ad infinitum.
©2017 Elizabeth Dianne Allee

See The Transformation…

See the transformation,
The change before the change.
The metamorphosis which will be,
When it’s the true you, you embrace.

Her ethereal existence,
Whisper of your tomorrow upon today.
Awaiting the steps of your journey,
Starting with one, your courage displayed.

You’ve been afraid to discover,
What’s destined to be yours.
Truths hidden by layers of facades,
Authenticity masked, hope obscured.

But I see her. Wings unveiled.
Through the hardships and mistakes.
To the light that already is,
And a dawn that waits to break…

©E.D. Allee
February 2015

Dedicated to a friend in a newly blossoming friendship… Angela
Wishing her beauty in self discovery upon her journey.

Pain’s Losing Power…

Pain cuts deep.
Past the surface.
Through bone and flesh.
What happens next…
—-
The lies I once believed,
The whispers in my ears.
The fear born deep within,
Accepting as truth, what I would hear.

Following the insidious leadings,
Into the realm of self destruction.
Smothered by a heavy darkness,
To which I’d helplessly succumb.

Now that power has faded.
Lies replaced with God’s truth.
Fear is buffered within me,
By a shield of faith I lift and use.

I can resist the temptation, when hurt,
Which once locked me in chains.
Tonight I did not drink or use,
Only God could make that change…

©E.D. Allee
October, 2014

At The Jumping Off Place…

The jumping off place,

Pursued by familiar disaster.

Flames, whirling winds,

Consuming the ground

on which you stand.

No time to consider,

You’ve waited too long.

Close your eyes.

Take a breath and let go.

Through surrender

You’re transformed…

©E.D. Allee
September, 2014

To Slay A Dragon…

How to slay a dragon
How to miss its fiery torment
As it chases you from dusk to dawn
Bringing fear and pain with it

Sword and shield in hand
Despite aggressive forebodings
Courage in the face of terror
Like David with stone and sling

Slaying a dragon
Requires faith and surrender
We cannot achieve this alone
God is our sword, stone…our ultimate defender

©E.D. Allee
May, 2014

Image: http://www.olivebranchministries.co.za/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/Warrior-woman-e1341386130842.jpg

 

Please Receive…

I happened to run into a person I knew on an acquaintance level in AA- at a hospital AA meeting. This is not a meeting I go too.  She is inpatient for detox and drug/alcohol rehab. There is more to the back story, but in general our reconnecting seemed quite supernaturally guided. Hope you are all well.

Witness to a familiar despair.
Eyes filled with tears, yet void of hope.
Questions swirling in unorganized fury.
Where to from here? You do not know.

Behind heavy, locked doors,
Flashlights frequent your closed eyelids.
Rows of rooms filled with strangers,
An energy of demoralization exists.

Well perfected masks, cracking all around.
Truths withheld due to fear.
Pseudo camaraderie, thirsty to connect.
Afraid to stay, and afraid to go back “out there”

Battered by cruel and abusive emotions,
Lies hauntingly scream of future failure.
Heart and mind blocked from receiving,
Help from those who’ve been there.

You…

You can’t recall arriving.
Twenty eight days, one pair of clothes.
No friends or family to call,
Feeling isolated, pathologically alone.

I’m glad I saw you; I’m sure that was God.
We hadn’t spoken since last year.
Simply AA acquaintances, yet I felt an intuitive pull,
A new meeting, I’m sure God brought me there.

I pray for God to show me how to help.
I pray you receive it…

©E.D. Allee
May, 2014

 

But After…

As the storms rage,
Dark clouds block the sun.
Lightning and thunder
spill their fury
With beastly intensity.
Cyclones circulate,
Spreading debris
With forceful ease.
Torrential downpours
Threaten solidarity.

I cannot hear
I cannot see clearly
I have to hide
I grow frightened and weary

The storm passes.
Sun’s healing light
Befalls the fallen.
The earth swallows
Torrent remains.
A peaceful calm surrounds.
Threatening gales fade
Into gentle breezes.
Debris settles,
And recovery begins.

I can hear
I can see clearly
I needn’t hide
The world isn’t quite so scary

©E.D. Allee
May, 2014

Image: https://andoreza.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/Out-of-the-storm-into-the-yellow-sunrise.jpg?165a18

“A Time to Mourn, A Time to Dance”… (Tales of new beginnings)

Snap out of it; it’s over
There nothing you can do
The self pity is strangling
Move on and start anew

You’ve fallen and it hurt
You’re a little broken and bruised
But you’re on track to succeed
Get focused in that groove

I write for catharsis
I write so others feel less marooned
I write to encourage empathy
For people not like you

I’ve been on pause to mourn
I’m shedding the feelings of doom
Time’s stood still long enough
I must reclaim hope and gratitude…
****
This is part of my journey. My mistakes and trials help me grow. Acceptance has been hard this time, but I’m still here. I’m still breathing. My heartbeat and my pain are evidence of life, and I owe it to God, myself, and those I love… To strive.

©E.D. Allee
May, 2014

New sobriety date: May 10,  2014

Hopeless Despair… (Tales of relapse)

I can’t describe the devastation
The ache within my soul
I really thought this was my last go round
That I’d stay clean and sober, I’d grown

My failing incites hopeless despair
Suggests a lack of progress
I’m so disappointed I must start again
Seems such a futile conquest

My immature reaction grieves me
I want to “make the most” of this relapse
Use and drink as much as I can
Enthusiastically I gravitate to pure collapse

I hear the destructiveness
I hear the surrender and defeat
Yet, I’m grateful God has placed within
Many reasons to hope and believe…

©E.D. Allee
May, 2014

***********

New sobriety date May, 10, 2014

These recent “relapse poems” were written while I was in active drinking/using. I’m feeling much better today. I did not lose all I learned in the one year, three months, and five days I was clean/sober. I have to start the counter again… But I’ve learned so much. Thanks for reading guys. Much love.

Elizabeth (E)