Poetic Journey in Personal Discovery

Posts tagged ‘alcoholic’

Day One…

Welcome to my first poetry duet! A fun, challenging and therapeutic process/ with the subject matter hitting home.

My collaborative poetic friend was a delight to work with. He has a kind and compassionate heart which I’ve come to know and care for. His blog expresses the darker “Poe” side of things with a creative and unique perspective. Check him out : http://jmc813.wordpress.com

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Today is the day, I’m going to do it this time.
I’m finally finished, I can leave it behind.

Do you hear yourself? You’ve said it time and again.
It’s eleven in the morning, I’ll see you by ten.

Tick, tick, tick, tick…each one louder than the last.
Skin’s starting to crawl, feet tap erratic and fast.

~

I have the strength and courage to see this through.
I just HAVE to stop, this endeavor long overdue.

I am amused and laugh heartily at your expense.
You know that to leave me behind makes no sense.

The Tick Tock of life’s clock and all that remains is time.
Time to wallow in his pitiful misery as the bells begin to chime.

~

But I can taste whiskey in the back of my throat.
Maybe this time really will be different; I’ll keep control.

Yes, yes, taste it my friend, feel the tonic coursing.
You can’t live without it, why don’t you just stop trying?

Tick, tick, tick… finger taps keeping time, mind in spiraling flux.
Compromised resolve, his needs equate to his lusts.

~

My all consuming thought’s drive the insanity in my head.
What could be the reason for my living epitaph to be read?

That’s it, breathe in your weakness; submit to my prison.
Your mind, body, and soul will be mine through alcohol’s attrition.

Following the steady pour of sands through the hourglass.
Time rapidly running short, mimics misspent days gone past.

~

Get out of my head! Let me be! I really want to live!
I don’t want to remain a slave to your poisonous grip.

You’ve said that before, you always come back.
Don’t pretend you’re so strong, power you lack.

Tick.. Tick… Tick, Tock…
Like demon addiction, the timekeeper mocks.

~

I possess everything it takes, I know this to be true.
I have the ferocity and determination to be free of you.

You have neither of those things you cowardly fool.
Realize you’re a slave to me, the bottle my deadliest tool.

As time marches forward, a shift begins to transpire.
As the antagonist addiction begins losing it’s fire.

~

A new voice sprang from within, not from mind, but heart.
Vipers tongue silenced, knowledge and hope to impart.

A calm began to surround him as his focus shifted.
From obsession, suddenly success he could envision.

Tick, tick, tick, tock.
He hasn’t taken a drink, and it’s past ten o’clock…

~

Day One.

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I remember when…

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I remember when,
I was trying to stop dying.
I remember when,
I could not stop the crying.
I remember when,
I thought I’d never quit hurting.
I remember when,
I lost my shield for life’s sting.
I remember when,
Hope was strange and fleeting.
I remember when,
Nothing stopped the bleeding.

It pains me to see people brand new in sobriety,
Emotions twisted and unsettling.
Fear the dominant reality,
Pain unrelenting.

Trying to grasp onto some semblance of sanity,
Hearing muffled voices, not clear on what they’re saying.
Told to hold on and just not pick up today,
Fighting the constant pull to flee, reluctantly staying.

Believing I’d never be happy again,
Saturated in a self pity that despised the smiling.
Wondering how I’d ever Learn to live,
Without something to numb what I was feeling…

I saw me today.
Back in January of last year.
And I wanted to put her in my pocket,
To wipe her abundant tears.
I didn’t buy fully the things people said back then,
Their promises were pipe dreams to me.
I struggled each second for new breath,
Tormented by a darkness all consuming.

But,
The promises proved not to be lies,
If only she too can believe.
My heart still hurts for her,
I pray God can work through me…

©E.D. Allee
March, 2014

Pic:http://nyahmag.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/crying-woman.jpg

 

 

 

Alcoholic Slippery Places, Less Slippery in time?

Slippery places aren’t so slippery anymore,
Am I right to assume?
Is that a belief with validity?
Enough to pull me through?

If I walk alone to the casino floor,
Just a twenty (as if!) in my hand.
Fully hydrated, so as to avoid drinks,
Will my restraint gene kick in?

Rhetorically I ask,
I pose the question even to myself.
Knowing I generally end up testing limits,
I don’t even think… I SET for myself!!!

©E.D. Allee
March, 2014

Hours later… All is well.
Did I slip by or succeed?
Either way I choose to think,
Slippery places aren’t as slippery!!!

 

Snapshot…

If I’d of pressed the shutter button,
Capturing my emotions.
On this night of further testing,
Of dangerous-waters to fall in.

It would be clear, I’m somewhat tangled,
Like compacted vines after a ferocious flood…
————–
The only estrogen present,
Usually not a big deal.
I think like a dude more than I should,
But tonight’s mirror was way too real.

My heart wasn’t in the old “hearty talk”.
I know enough about the female anatomy.
Yet I found myself merging to blend in,
By adding my inappropriate two “chick pennies”.
Familiar games from back in the day,
I’m just one of the guys.
My husband’s very familiar with that “E”
Maybe that’s why he was content by my side.

And what of all my surroundings?!
To my front, left and right,
Vodka, jäger, tequila…
In a bar with a mechanical bull to ride???

Hmmm… Really doesn’t sound that bad on rewind.
Hot chick waitresses, people dancing,
The smell of breathing liquor in the air,
Yet I was trapped in a seductive entrancing.

Present, away, back, then gone again,
Smiling, joking, inserting my careless wit.
All the while choking back the need to run,
Crawling, not quickly enough, out of my skin.

I could have left. I had a key to my hotel. It wasn’t far to walk.

But I didn’t leave.

I could have.

But I didn’t.

I DID, however, survive…

A little worn from a poorly fought battle,
Some shaky, soft lessons to assimilate.
Although I’m not impressed with me,
I’m not going to needlessly dwell on my mistakes.

God knows my heart, and my “floaties” didn’t pop.
While I know He’s not particularly proud,
We’ve spoken on the matter,
And I’m thankful His mercy ever abounds!

©E.D. Allee
February, 2014

Note: No alcoholics were harmed in the making of this snap shot. I’m still sober!

 

Far From Sanity…

One of my talented blogger friends (http://mcfcwolf.wordpress.com) read and liked this poem earlier- and I noticed he was the first to read it. I posted it during my blog’s infancy- figure I will repost to give it a chance to be heard. Some of you may know I’m now a little over a year clean/sober. This poem was written when I was trying to get clean before I relapsed one last time to finally quit on January 5, 2013… A little darker than some of my stuff, but some may be able to relate. Thanks for reading!

journeyinrhyme

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My mind is spinning spider webs in a dark and, crowded room
While it is imprisoned and overtaken by a restless state of doom
My warrior protectors have disappeared and I’ve been left alone
As the world slithers around me, and I don’t feel safe in my home

The feelings within bring to the surface only negativity
Which, if my mind wasn’t racing so, I could extinguish with sleep
Yet I remain awake while my world and body physically shake
And I’m forced, when confronted by “mysterious sounds and visuals”, to stay awake

I once was able to escape from this torture with a mixed cocktail created by me
But I find myself now adrift, upon a restless, wild and deep ocean- called early sobriety
Thoughts, thoughts bumping into each other as they race to a nonexistent finish
Around in circles my head goes, I just wish this incessant static…

View original post 154 more words

One Year Clean And Sober…

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Three hundred sixty five days have past
Leading to a miracle I couldn’t envision
I once wished to end my life
To be free from two decades of prison

Shackled in bondage to an unrelenting master
A jailor spiteful and cruel
One who fed me to sustain my life
Only to prolong his rule

The years grew darker with time
The window to my cell got smaller
I knew little peace with eyes open
And my dreams were filled with horror

The illusory sense of peace
I once so craved and desired
Melted away into pools of necessity
With painted emotions and scribbled smiles

On the last day I used…
January fourth two thousand thirteen
I knew my options were to quit or die
A choice terribly hard for me

Death or life without chemical alteration
Finally live free from addictions’ chains
A decision perhaps simple for some
But I was terrified I’d fail at trying to change

I did choose life, leaping forward in faith
Holding only to a desperate desire
I’d failed many times before
Although my needs were always dire 

I dwelled in a dark abyss of my design
An abyss filled with a raging sea
Kept afloat by drink or drug
The very same which tried to drown me

I quit… I was angry, afraid, in pain, and shaking
Sick and weak, unstable in mind and emotions
Grasping to something I couldn’t see
Hopeless, alone, worn and broken

In time things improved, I began to let go
Of the grip I held destructively tight 
I became willing to get the help I needed
And gradually saw hope in sight

I had an AA sponsor by then
Cynthia, The helper I came to know
Addiction treatment and meetings
Began revealing alternatives to sorrow

I opened up to God, my higher power
I sought diligently to know Him once more
I learned belief was insufficient
My faith had to be restored

My abyss began filling the moment I stopped digging
Eventually I grabbed outstretched hands
The raging sea became an ocean of soft swells
And at that time healing began

One year later, far removed from that darkness
I reflect upon the trials and triumphs
I’m grateful I declined death’s temptation
By accepting God’s help and guidance

If only I had known back then…
I’d have told my broken spirit to hold on
I’d share with her what I understand now
Let her know hope exists upon new horizons
I’d cheer her on each day of success
Hold her hand with each falling tear
Tell her that life will not hurt so bad forever
And that one day she’ll be able to feel
She’d feel without the torment of ever increasing pain
She’d sit still in her own skin
She’d look people in the eyes, not down in shame
She’d break free from the demons within

To myself today I say
You’re a long way from that arduous start
One day at a time you’ve progressed
But you mustn’t ever stop
Stay close to God and continue seeking
So enlightenment you’ll find
Walk forward, using the past as a tool
Demons in wait, grow stronger in time
Know you can never open the door
To the world which once enslaved you
Be vigilant not to fall into the nets 
Cast as traps meant to undo

Way to go Elizabeth
You’ve achieved the seemingly impossible
I will write to you again this time next year
And report on the remarkable!

©E.D. Allee
January 5, 2014

 

One Year Down, A Lifetime To Go…

It’s hard to believe 

Three hundred sixty-five days

I’m clean and sober!

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