Poetic Journey in Personal Discovery

Posts tagged ‘hopeless’

See through…

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Can you see through…

The muddy waters surrounding?
Will you reveal the way out?
Feet so far beneath the surface,
Merging with the sludge of doubt.

Existence relative to self awareness.
Perceptual evidence waning.
Afraid to look beneath the surface.
Adapting to the comfort of sinking.

To fight, trust.
To hope, cling to faith.
To emerge, strive.
Light and safety are in wait…

©E.D. Allee
July, 2014

Inspired by Image: http://www.deviantart.com/art/The-lake-of-sadness-171052272

Hopeless Despair… (Tales of relapse)

I can’t describe the devastation
The ache within my soul
I really thought this was my last go round
That I’d stay clean and sober, I’d grown

My failing incites hopeless despair
Suggests a lack of progress
I’m so disappointed I must start again
Seems such a futile conquest

My immature reaction grieves me
I want to “make the most” of this relapse
Use and drink as much as I can
Enthusiastically I gravitate to pure collapse

I hear the destructiveness
I hear the surrender and defeat
Yet, I’m grateful God has placed within
Many reasons to hope and believe…

©E.D. Allee
May, 2014

***********

New sobriety date May, 10, 2014

These recent “relapse poems” were written while I was in active drinking/using. I’m feeling much better today. I did not lose all I learned in the one year, three months, and five days I was clean/sober. I have to start the counter again… But I’ve learned so much. Thanks for reading guys. Much love.

Elizabeth (E)

Really??? More Tales of Relapse…

So, this is how you are choosing to die?
This is how you want to go out?
Throw caution to the wind, screw it all,
Get loaded till your six feet underground?

And for what? Manufactured alteration
Temporary tastes of euphoric ease
An early, sloppy death
Which stains the lives you leave?

What of the allure of this demise
I’m believe I’m meant for more
Why would I risk my life
When I know it’s worth fighting for?

The insanity surrounding me
The insanity raging within
Merging together endlessly
Will this torment ever end?

©E.D. Allee
May, 2014

New sobriety date: May, 10, 2014

A Hopeless Gray…

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My cloud isn’t pink
It’s gray
How long, I wonder
Will I feel this way

No purple sunsets
In my mind
Only thumbnail moons
In darkened nights

I question the future
Days I’ve left to live
How many times I will
Fall into the same abyss

I ride a magic carpet
In my dreams
I watch my journey
From above the trees

Trying to escape
Less scathed
Than the previous times
I’ve lost my way

My cloud’s no longer pink
It’s, YET AGAIN, a hopeless gray…

©E.D. Allee
April, 2014

Image: http://blogs.psychcentral.com/celebrity/files/2011/11/black-cloud-blue-sky.jpg

A Future In Recovery… Writer’s Digest Poem A Day Challenge. Prompt: Future

 

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I once knew my future.
I could see it in my mind.
Not really one I would have selected,
If I could have chosen from a line.

I once felt hopeless about the future,
I didn’t know why I had to wait.
I wondered why I was here at all,
Why I couldn’t just rush fate.

I once feared the future,
Unsure if I had enough strength.
To make it through the pain,
In the path of final tragedy.

But I realize I was wrong,
That the lenses I peered through were tainted.
By deception and fears I’d adopted,
Regarding a future unpainted.

I no longer claim knowledge of what’s to come.
Predicting, I don’t even try.
I don’t worry about what will be.
One day at a time, on God I rely.

©E.D. Allee
April, 2014

Image: http://shapingheresteem.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/Blank-Canvas-Outdoor.jpg

 

Protective Vessel…

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A glass vessel stalks his sanity,
Traps him in a protective shell.
Set adrift upon the ocean of his mind,
No navigation, no sail.

Unsinkable, dry and safe,
Able to rest with ease.
A Bystander in his own waking dream,
This prison is his reprieve.

To loneliness’ torment he’s numb.
He’s lived most of his life alone.
All the world offered him was pain,
This is now his home.

The doctors say the medication will help.
They will pull him back from his isolation.
From the fantasy world in which he dwells,
They don’t understand this IS his liberation.

Time will tell if the glass will break.
If the raging see will recede.
If his vessel of protection is broken,
Will he simply sink?

©E.D. Allee
April, 2014

Image: http://universalangelicview.files.wordpress.com/2013/05/gaiaprotectsme.jpg

 

I remember when…

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I remember when,
I was trying to stop dying.
I remember when,
I could not stop the crying.
I remember when,
I thought I’d never quit hurting.
I remember when,
I lost my shield for life’s sting.
I remember when,
Hope was strange and fleeting.
I remember when,
Nothing stopped the bleeding.

It pains me to see people brand new in sobriety,
Emotions twisted and unsettling.
Fear the dominant reality,
Pain unrelenting.

Trying to grasp onto some semblance of sanity,
Hearing muffled voices, not clear on what they’re saying.
Told to hold on and just not pick up today,
Fighting the constant pull to flee, reluctantly staying.

Believing I’d never be happy again,
Saturated in a self pity that despised the smiling.
Wondering how I’d ever Learn to live,
Without something to numb what I was feeling…

I saw me today.
Back in January of last year.
And I wanted to put her in my pocket,
To wipe her abundant tears.
I didn’t buy fully the things people said back then,
Their promises were pipe dreams to me.
I struggled each second for new breath,
Tormented by a darkness all consuming.

But,
The promises proved not to be lies,
If only she too can believe.
My heart still hurts for her,
I pray God can work through me…

©E.D. Allee
March, 2014

Pic:http://nyahmag.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/crying-woman.jpg

 

 

 

One Year Clean And Sober…

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Three hundred sixty five days have past
Leading to a miracle I couldn’t envision
I once wished to end my life
To be free from two decades of prison

Shackled in bondage to an unrelenting master
A jailor spiteful and cruel
One who fed me to sustain my life
Only to prolong his rule

The years grew darker with time
The window to my cell got smaller
I knew little peace with eyes open
And my dreams were filled with horror

The illusory sense of peace
I once so craved and desired
Melted away into pools of necessity
With painted emotions and scribbled smiles

On the last day I used…
January fourth two thousand thirteen
I knew my options were to quit or die
A choice terribly hard for me

Death or life without chemical alteration
Finally live free from addictions’ chains
A decision perhaps simple for some
But I was terrified I’d fail at trying to change

I did choose life, leaping forward in faith
Holding only to a desperate desire
I’d failed many times before
Although my needs were always dire 

I dwelled in a dark abyss of my design
An abyss filled with a raging sea
Kept afloat by drink or drug
The very same which tried to drown me

I quit… I was angry, afraid, in pain, and shaking
Sick and weak, unstable in mind and emotions
Grasping to something I couldn’t see
Hopeless, alone, worn and broken

In time things improved, I began to let go
Of the grip I held destructively tight 
I became willing to get the help I needed
And gradually saw hope in sight

I had an AA sponsor by then
Cynthia, The helper I came to know
Addiction treatment and meetings
Began revealing alternatives to sorrow

I opened up to God, my higher power
I sought diligently to know Him once more
I learned belief was insufficient
My faith had to be restored

My abyss began filling the moment I stopped digging
Eventually I grabbed outstretched hands
The raging sea became an ocean of soft swells
And at that time healing began

One year later, far removed from that darkness
I reflect upon the trials and triumphs
I’m grateful I declined death’s temptation
By accepting God’s help and guidance

If only I had known back then…
I’d have told my broken spirit to hold on
I’d share with her what I understand now
Let her know hope exists upon new horizons
I’d cheer her on each day of success
Hold her hand with each falling tear
Tell her that life will not hurt so bad forever
And that one day she’ll be able to feel
She’d feel without the torment of ever increasing pain
She’d sit still in her own skin
She’d look people in the eyes, not down in shame
She’d break free from the demons within

To myself today I say
You’re a long way from that arduous start
One day at a time you’ve progressed
But you mustn’t ever stop
Stay close to God and continue seeking
So enlightenment you’ll find
Walk forward, using the past as a tool
Demons in wait, grow stronger in time
Know you can never open the door
To the world which once enslaved you
Be vigilant not to fall into the nets 
Cast as traps meant to undo

Way to go Elizabeth
You’ve achieved the seemingly impossible
I will write to you again this time next year
And report on the remarkable!

©E.D. Allee
January 5, 2014

 

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