Can you see through…
The muddy waters surrounding?
Will you reveal the way out?
Feet so far beneath the surface,
Merging with the sludge of doubt.
Existence relative to self awareness.
Perceptual evidence waning.
Afraid to look beneath the surface.
Adapting to the comfort of sinking.
To fight, trust.
To hope, cling to faith.
To emerge, strive.
Light and safety are in wait…
Inspired by Image: http://www.deviantart.com/art/The-lake-of-sadness-171052272
I can’t describe the devastation
The ache within my soul
I really thought this was my last go round
That I’d stay clean and sober, I’d grown
My failing incites hopeless despair
Suggests a lack of progress
I’m so disappointed I must start again
Seems such a futile conquest
My immature reaction grieves me
I want to “make the most” of this relapse
Use and drink as much as I can
Enthusiastically I gravitate to pure collapse
I hear the destructiveness
I hear the surrender and defeat
Yet, I’m grateful God has placed within
Many reasons to hope and believe…
New sobriety date May, 10, 2014
These recent “relapse poems” were written while I was in active drinking/using. I’m feeling much better today. I did not lose all I learned in the one year, three months, and five days I was clean/sober. I have to start the counter again… But I’ve learned so much. Thanks for reading guys. Much love.
So, this is how you are choosing to die?
This is how you want to go out?
Throw caution to the wind, screw it all,
Get loaded till your six feet underground?
And for what? Manufactured alteration
Temporary tastes of euphoric ease
An early, sloppy death
Which stains the lives you leave?
What of the allure of this demise
I’m believe I’m meant for more
Why would I risk my life
When I know it’s worth fighting for?
The insanity surrounding me
The insanity raging within
Merging together endlessly
Will this torment ever end?
New sobriety date: May, 10, 2014
My cloud isn’t pink
How long, I wonder
Will I feel this way
No purple sunsets
In my mind
Only thumbnail moons
In darkened nights
I question the future
Days I’ve left to live
How many times I will
Fall into the same abyss
I ride a magic carpet
In my dreams
I watch my journey
From above the trees
Trying to escape
Than the previous times
I’ve lost my way
My cloud’s no longer pink
It’s, YET AGAIN, a hopeless gray…
I once knew my future.
I could see it in my mind.
Not really one I would have selected,
If I could have chosen from a line.
I once felt hopeless about the future,
I didn’t know why I had to wait.
I wondered why I was here at all,
Why I couldn’t just rush fate.
I once feared the future,
Unsure if I had enough strength.
To make it through the pain,
In the path of final tragedy.
But I realize I was wrong,
That the lenses I peered through were tainted.
By deception and fears I’d adopted,
Regarding a future unpainted.
I no longer claim knowledge of what’s to come.
Predicting, I don’t even try.
I don’t worry about what will be.
One day at a time, on God I rely.
A glass vessel stalks his sanity,
Traps him in a protective shell.
Set adrift upon the ocean of his mind,
No navigation, no sail.
Unsinkable, dry and safe,
Able to rest with ease.
A Bystander in his own waking dream,
This prison is his reprieve.
To loneliness’ torment he’s numb.
He’s lived most of his life alone.
All the world offered him was pain,
This is now his home.
The doctors say the medication will help.
They will pull him back from his isolation.
From the fantasy world in which he dwells,
They don’t understand this IS his liberation.
Time will tell if the glass will break.
If the raging see will recede.
If his vessel of protection is broken,
Will he simply sink?