Awaiting The Thaw…

There is a frost within you,

Crippling the light and the warmth.
Shaving love from your life,
And the ice won’t let you mourn.

You push all who love you away,
Striking out in rage and attempts to control.
I see the vulnerability within you,
The battle you’re losing in your soul.

The losses you won’t acknowledge,
Are losses just the same.
And somewhere in your frozen core,
Your heart faintly beats to denial’s refrain.

Only God can thaw you,
His, the only healing.
Your razor sharp defenses,
Cannot shred all feelings.

And when the blood is allowed to flow,
Warm from your hidden wounds.
I pray God grants you strength to endure
Until then, I’ll still keep loving you…

©E.D. Allee
July, 2014

Image: http://www.artrabbit.com/images/dataobjects/images/d75d82c8390cfebb91bfdfd7071f3aba_0.jpg

Protective Vessel…

A glass vessel stalks his sanity,
Traps him in a protective shell.
Set adrift upon the ocean of his mind,
No navigation, no sail.

Unsinkable, dry and safe,
Able to rest with ease.
A Bystander in his own waking dream,
This prison is his reprieve.

To loneliness’ torment he’s numb.
He’s lived most of his life alone.
All the world offered him was pain,
This is now his home.

The doctors say the medication will help.
They will pull him back from his isolation.
From the fantasy world in which he dwells,
They don’t understand this IS his liberation.

Time will tell if the glass will break.
If the raging see will recede.
If his vessel of protection is broken,
Will he simply sink?

©E.D. Allee
April, 2014

Image: http://universalangelicview.files.wordpress.com/2013/05/gaiaprotectsme.jpg

 

If Only…

Just outside her window,
A sheet of glass away.
She sees past the familiar,
Through unrelenting drops of rain.
Life in graceful color,
Wings she wishes she knew.
To fly her from the four wall perimeter,
Which has dominated her view.

©E.D. Allee
February, 2014

Pic:http://bradnd24.files.wordpress.com/2010/09/loneliness.jpg

 

Unwelcome Companion…

Isolation is not the same,
As my dear friend solitude.
Yet he proves my dominant companion.

He persuades me to stay in,
When I need to go out,
Holding me hostage in his unwelcome dominion.

I’m not sure if it’s fear,
Or perhaps mistrust, but
I’m comfortable with little interaction.

Yet, I’ve gotta say,
Part of me is discontent,
With my increasing social retraction!

©E.D. Allee
January, 2014

 

 

To Be a Part Of…

Loneliness has become safe and comfortable, and I seek not to disrupt its unhealthy balance

Even when surrounded by many, I am not a “part of” in any true sense

I have been intimately engaged with isolation for as far back as I can remember

But it seems as though my solitude gets worse with each passing of January to December

 

My actions, or lack thereof, have perpetuated my acceptance of social defeat

The chemicals I’ve ingested have always been all I needed to feel complete

Now that my false “friends” have been removed, I see my reclusive reality in full light

The safe and comfortable feeling of my segregation is no more, creating for me a new plight

 

I feel I am equally alone in a crowd of people, as when I am by myself

This belief has plagued me for so long, seems it’s always how I’ve felt

To know me, few would ever suspect this internal turmoil

I can blend into my surroundings with the appearance of ease, skilled at false social

 

I like to think I’m much safer and free when I am alone

I’ve purposely selected remoteness in so many of the adventures I’ve known

Hiking, embracing the cool river waters… just my camera, my drugs, and my journal

I bonded with my environment… beauty in nature plus assisted mind alteration is what kept me full

 

Yet I am finding now that my notion of peace with loneliness is simply a delusion

And I seek to find that which will secure my participation in life again

I have a mask for every occasion, masks which I present to the world upon no request

I believe these masks have served me well, and they represent me at my best

 

I’m trying hard to figure out how to live… actually inside of my person

And I know that part of that process includes coming out of my isolation

But the world seems so frightening, and I’ve been far removed for so long

When I look at the people around me, the fear of harmful intentions is so strong

I know that peoples’ intentions are probably, on average, the same now as they’ve always been

But now I haven’t a cloak to protect me from the pains granted by the strangers I let in

 

There is a whole world of people who shake hands, smile and look each other in the eyes

I guess I still accept my position of unworthiness and shame, and I continue to hide

I reach out to this world, not in flesh, but through the safety of the often impersonal media to which I concede

Refusing to step out in faith to a universe willing and waiting to receive me

 

I’d like to think this all will change, that one day I won’t be so afraid to connect in this universe

CI’ve nourished my fear of people so long that my instinct is to expect the worst

Trust has never been my strong suit anyways… the world bites and tares at me

Real or imagined, it’s the way I feel, and I seem to lack the courage and strength I need

 

Knowing what is right by acknowledging and eliminating what is wrong, is one catalyst to change

I don’t wish to accept the way I presently live, a quarantine victim forever…I desire to step out in faith

©E.D. Allee

January 26, 2013