Poetic Journey in Personal Discovery

Posts tagged ‘Social isolation’

To Be a Part Of…

distant stare

Loneliness has become safe and comfortable, and I seek not to disrupt its unhealthy balance

Even when surrounded by many, I am not a “part of” in any true sense

I have been intimately engaged with isolation for as far back as I can remember

But it seems as though my solitude gets worse with each passing of January to December


My actions, or lack thereof, have perpetuated my acceptance of social defeat

The chemicals I’ve ingested have always been all I needed to feel complete

Now that my false “friends” have been removed, I see my reclusive reality in full light

The safe and comfortable feeling of my segregation is no more, creating for me a new plight


I feel I am equally alone in a crowd of people, as when I am by myself

This belief has plagued me for so long, seems it’s always how I’ve felt

To know me, few would ever suspect this internal turmoil

I can blend into my surroundings with the appearance of ease, skilled at false social


I like to think I’m much safer and free when I am alone

I’ve purposely selected remoteness in so many of the adventures I’ve known

Hiking, embracing the cool river waters… just my camera, my drugs, and my journal

I bonded with my environment… beauty in nature plus assisted mind alteration is what kept me full


Yet I am finding now that my notion of peace with loneliness is simply a delusion

And I seek to find that which will secure my participation in life again

I have a mask for every occasion, masks which I present to the world upon no request

I believe these masks have served me well, and they represent me at my best


I’m trying hard to figure out how to live… actually inside of my person

And I know that part of that process includes coming out of my isolation

But the world seems so frightening, and I’ve been far removed for so long

When I look at the people around me, the fear of harmful intentions is so strong

I know that peoples’ intentions are probably, on average, the same now as they’ve always been

But now I haven’t a cloak to protect me from the pains granted by the strangers I let in


There is a whole world of people who shake hands, smile and look each other in the eyes

I guess I still accept my position of unworthiness and shame, and I continue to hide

I reach out to this world, not in flesh, but through the safety of the often impersonal media to which I concede

Refusing to step out in faith to a universe willing and waiting to receive me


I’d like to think this all will change, that one day I won’t be so afraid to connect in this universe

CI’ve nourished my fear of people so long that my instinct is to expect the worst

Trust has never been my strong suit anyways… the world bites and tares at me

Real or imagined, it’s the way I feel, and I seem to lack the courage and strength I need


Knowing what is right by acknowledging and eliminating what is wrong, is one catalyst to change

I don’t wish to accept the way I presently live, a quarantine victim forever…I desire to step out in faith

©E.D. Allee
January 26, 2013

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