Poetic Journey in Personal Discovery

Posts tagged ‘pain’

Confronting And Accepting No…

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I feel as though God’s placed it on my heart to write this. The subject was the source of such intense pain as recent as a year ago.  I am unable to have children- one of the hardest things I’ve had to accept. When my faith began to strengthen, and the fog of my addictions started to lift in recovery… God showed me peace. Maybe some of you can relate, and even find some peace.

Why? The question I asked over and over.
I couldn’t understand.
Unable to put my longing to rest,
The dream, that as a little girl, was placed within.

Dreaming of when I’d hold those tiny hands.
Look upon that precious face.
A reflection of God’s love
Staring into my eyes, hope’s gaze.

My heart ached at the sight,
At the touch, at the thought,
At the scent as I held them,
At the sound of their cries, I felt loss.

Movies depicting a new additions’ joy,
Commercials, news of loved one expecting,
No matter how happy I was for them,
Inside, I was so very sad for me.

My friends, my sister… I couldn’t understand.
Perplexed, trying, thinking at times it was real,
Only to find it was false.
A tortuous taunting, I never thought I’d heal.

Then, the day came.
My eyes opened to truth.
I knew God’s plan was perfect,
My heart, was gently soothed.

I don’t have to understand.
I don’t have to know why.
I was such a mess for so long,
Probably best I was denied.

I remember the moment,
When I knew I was healed.
When the brokenness simply remained
In tearful echoes loosely concealed.

On my knees, I prayed to God,
Speaking the words “Thank You”.
Grateful that I was taken care of,
And that my baby, not to be, was too…

©E.D. Allee
March, 2014

Image: http://imagecache6.allposters.com/LRG/27/2793/HM3OD00Z.jpg

 

Bricked Regret…

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When I address my reflective sight,
I see regret’s birth and nurtured growth.
Brick upon brick of wrong choices,
In valid confidence or carelessness I chose.

The wall I erected and enshrined,
Has mostly collapsed into mounds.
Present in pieces only,
Shifting slowly into my past’s hollowed grounds.

Yet portions of the wall,
Reinforced by recollection’s steel.
Remain sturdy and strong,
I even think I see a new tier.

On that wall, my biggest regrets…

I often consider how ungrateful I used to be,
The endless days spent immersed in self-pity.
How long I lived seeing no one but me.

Rarely recognizing the multitude of blessings I knew.
Focusing on all the hurt and wrongs caused by “you”.
Seeing only reason for anger and resentments upon review.

But, Now I see, eyes perhaps too open.

I’ve been given so much,
Family and provision to sustain me.
Trauma, abuse, but strength to endure,
Often walking dead, yet gifted to breathe.

No matter my pain at any time,
There’s always one who suffers more.
I was so blind to what I had,
Rich in much, living spiritually poor.

Forgive me Father,
For not seeing the truth.
That all the while I justified my rebellion,
I should have been thanking You…

©E.D. Allee
March, 2014

 

 

 

 

 

 

Caged Heart…

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The windows of my soul are shut,
My hearts door is now locked.
I’ve shed tears till I can no longer cry,
Yet, the pain that is you won’t stop.

Why did I ever let you in?
How could I not discern,
The true nature that defines you?
Will I ever learn?

You stole then crushed my heart,
A practiced criminal in love.
My security has always been low,
And you called my strength bluff.

I think I’ve gotten away from you,
That I’m finally free of your remains.
But I’m reminded when the wind blows,
Pieces of me you still have in chains.

©E.D. Allee
March, 2014

Pic: http://s434.photobucket.com/user/kahunafiji/media/hearts%20and%20light/CageHeart.jpg.html

*note: channelling a past Elizabeth here.

Pieces…

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Trapped within the broken reflection,
Pieces scattered on the ground.
Connected to the fallen shards,
Did wholeness ever abound?

Destroyed, like the trust,
She once loosely knew.
Shattered like her hope,
Unfamiliar and askew.

Eyes, smokey black and blue,
The shades all wrong.
Far from reflecting the pain within.
A torturous hurt he prolongs.

©E.D. Allee
March, 2014

Pic: http://patesco.files.wordpress.com/2012/08/mirror.jpg

 

Good Enough…

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Feeling not good enough,
Try as she may.
Holding in her tears,
With a smile on her face.

Trying not to let him hinder her,
He’s only one upon the earth.
She knows in her mind,
He doesn’t measure her worth.

But it’s in her heart,
Where the pain grows stronger.
A tree watered by his acid words. Disapproving glances make her smaller.

Trying to remember the truth she has adopted,
Within the heart God gave her.
Forgetting momentarily, her gained wisdom,
She lets him destroy her happily ever after.

TRUTH:
She’s more than enough,
A beautiful child of the living God.
Perfected daily,
By God’s everlasting, healing love.

©E.D. Allee
March, 2014

Pic: http://www.deviantart.com/art/The-Pain-of-Life-404138298

 

 

Illuminated Moment…

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Flickering glow, circular ceiling projection,
Light piercing the darkened room.
Soft flames filled with warmth,
Dancing with the music’s melodic tune.

Enhancing the moment,
Absorbing emotions to purify.
Negativity, and fear subjected to fire,
Pain burned to indemnify.

A trinity of light to anchor,
Honoring The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.
Accompanying me in the moment I know,
True light and warmth, ever present…

©E.D. Allee
March, 2014

 

 

A New Past…

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I’ve said goodbye to yesterday,
Yet it diligently strives to resurface.
The past is behind me, far away,
This is an unwelcome resurgence.

I’ve learned much of who I am in God.
There’s much to learn still today.
Despite how I once was,
God’s not leaving me that way.

No matter how hard the enemy tries,
To convince me I am still “she”.
To whisper false beliefs to my soul,
I’ve come to know differently.

My past is a tool I can use,
To show the hurting they’re not alone.
I can finally say I’m grateful,
For the painful place God’s brought me from.

©E.D. Allee
March, 2014

Pic: http://letmereach.files.wordpress.com/2013/12/free-from-the-past.jpg

 

 

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