Poetic Journey in Personal Discovery

Posts tagged ‘new’

Hurdy Gurdy…

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I stumbled across a hurdy gurdy,
On the internet today.
And I’m not sure what I should feel,
Not sure just what to say.

How has such a gem been hidden,
From my eyes for all this time?
What else is out there I’ve yet to discover?
What else must I find?

©E.D. Allee
January, 2014

One Year Clean And Sober…

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Three hundred sixty five days have past
Leading to a miracle I couldn’t envision
I once wished to end my life
To be free from two decades of prison

Shackled in bondage to an unrelenting master
A jailor spiteful and cruel
One who fed me to sustain my life
Only to prolong his rule

The years grew darker with time
The window to my cell got smaller
I knew little peace with eyes open
And my dreams were filled with horror

The illusory sense of peace
I once so craved and desired
Melted away into pools of necessity
With painted emotions and scribbled smiles

On the last day I used…
January fourth two thousand thirteen
I knew my options were to quit or die
A choice terribly hard for me

Death or life without chemical alteration
Finally live free from addictions’ chains
A decision perhaps simple for some
But I was terrified I’d fail at trying to change

I did choose life, leaping forward in faith
Holding only to a desperate desire
I’d failed many times before
Although my needs were always dire 

I dwelled in a dark abyss of my design
An abyss filled with a raging sea
Kept afloat by drink or drug
The very same which tried to drown me

I quit… I was angry, afraid, in pain, and shaking
Sick and weak, unstable in mind and emotions
Grasping to something I couldn’t see
Hopeless, alone, worn and broken

In time things improved, I began to let go
Of the grip I held destructively tight 
I became willing to get the help I needed
And gradually saw hope in sight

I had an AA sponsor by then
Cynthia, The helper I came to know
Addiction treatment and meetings
Began revealing alternatives to sorrow

I opened up to God, my higher power
I sought diligently to know Him once more
I learned belief was insufficient
My faith had to be restored

My abyss began filling the moment I stopped digging
Eventually I grabbed outstretched hands
The raging sea became an ocean of soft swells
And at that time healing began

One year later, far removed from that darkness
I reflect upon the trials and triumphs
I’m grateful I declined death’s temptation
By accepting God’s help and guidance

If only I had known back then…
I’d have told my broken spirit to hold on
I’d share with her what I understand now
Let her know hope exists upon new horizons
I’d cheer her on each day of success
Hold her hand with each falling tear
Tell her that life will not hurt so bad forever
And that one day she’ll be able to feel
She’d feel without the torment of ever increasing pain
She’d sit still in her own skin
She’d look people in the eyes, not down in shame
She’d break free from the demons within

To myself today I say
You’re a long way from that arduous start
One day at a time you’ve progressed
But you mustn’t ever stop
Stay close to God and continue seeking
So enlightenment you’ll find
Walk forward, using the past as a tool
Demons in wait, grow stronger in time
Know you can never open the door
To the world which once enslaved you
Be vigilant not to fall into the nets 
Cast as traps meant to undo

Way to go Elizabeth
You’ve achieved the seemingly impossible
I will write to you again this time next year
And report on the remarkable!

©E.D. Allee
January 5, 2014

 

Aside

Found in The “City of Sin”

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My friends gave me two weeks

Said I’d die if I moved to Vegas

Part of me feared they were right

With their “friendly” vote of confidence

 

I’m still alive two years later

Clean and sober almost a year

I’ve learned it’s not where I go

I can grow where I’m planted, and I’m planted here

 

Looking down from up high

Framed city in sight

I see newness and hope

It’s here I learned to fight

 

Perhaps it’s ironic that I’d discover sobriety

Amid the temptations in the “City of Sin”

I choose, with God’s help, life’s path

True change is not external; it comes from within!

 

©E.D. Allee

December 2013

 

 

 

Coveted Silence…

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Is it really you?
Nice to make your acquaintance 
Your true nature before me
Coveted silence…

Once you were
Heavy and overwhelming
Deafening sound
Giving way to torment
No peace to be found
I’d fill the stifling vicinity 
With polluted distractions
Trying to block my “quiet”
With false presentations

Can you hear that?
Nothingness
Void of chaos 
Desirable emptiness
The incessant chatter 
Has stopped for a time
And I’m not haunted by 
That which I’ve left behind

Your thick abrasive tendencies
Have faded some
And your once hidden nature
Is coming undone
My heartbeat is confined 
To my chest
No longer blaring in fear
While I’m at rest
You’re accompanied
by a sense of calm
The threats of the world 
Seem to take pause
Is this what others know?
Will I continue to unravel your power?
I never knew it was possible 
To quiet my mind at will

We have much to discover, you and I 
I hope this relationship continues to grow
I seek to stroll with you by placid waters
In sun and rain, wind and snow

 ©E.D. Allee

 
 December 2013
 
Pic: freedigitalphotos.net, Stock Photo – image ID: 1008694

 

Nothing Without You…

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Without you I am nothing
I would be nothing
I would know no hope
There is no hope
There is no peace
I can’t love
I can’t give
I can’t choose what is right
Without You

Without You, The darkness becomes the light
The absence of light is illuminated for closed eyes to see
Eyes shut, unaware they even need to be opened
Plagued by enduring, and debilitating deceit

I once believed Your light, against my darkness,
Would blind my veiled eyes if introduced
I believed the lie that You would reject me
So I attempted to hide my shameful nakedness from You

I feared You would never love one such as I
That there was no place for me in Your arms
It hurt to breathe the same air that sustained Your children
Ceaseless tears, unwanted heartbeats, life unwillingly prolonged

But Your light did not blind my eyes upon opening
Although the radiance exceeded pure glory defined
You saw my nakedness, but knew my heart
And no element of rejection did I find
Only love, compassion, rejoicing over my return
One tiny grain of sand among the multitudes
I didn’t know it at the time; I could not consider it possible
But all along I was Your child, and my return You foreknew

So I’ll express endless gratitude to You my loving Father
Thank You for refusing to let me go
Thank You for choosing to walk with me upon my journey
Without You I am nothing, this I know

©E.D. Allee

December 2013

Picture: http://scentoffaith.com/redeemed-from-the-void

The Song That Is You…

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I wake filled with joy and contentment these days

My heart strums a melodic tune

The song is so familiar

It is the song that is You

 

You dwell in this bluebird on my shoulder

In the rain upon a tin roof

In the crickets cries in the dark of night

In the crashing waves controlled by Your moon

 

Every sound of beauty

The notes woven by your creative loom

Ignites a flame of emotions

With Your sweet fragrance, my heart is abloom

 

I once wondered, perplexed, about the dawning of the music within

It’s prior scarceness made me question if it was true

While puzzled, I was grateful

I thanked You daily for the happiness I knew

And now I see, with eyes opened wide

It is, and always has been…the song that is You…

©E.D. Allee
November 2013

 

 

 

 

 

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