I feel as though God’s placed it on my heart to write this. The subject was the source of such intense pain as recent as a year ago. I am unable to have children- one of the hardest things I’ve had to accept. When my faith began to strengthen, and the fog of my addictions started to lift in recovery… God showed me peace. Maybe some of you can relate, and even find some peace.
Why? The question I asked over and over.
I couldn’t understand.
Unable to put my longing to rest,
The dream, that as a little girl, was placed within.
Dreaming of when I’d hold those tiny hands.
Look upon that precious face.
A reflection of God’s love
Staring into my eyes, hope’s gaze.
My heart ached at the sight,
At the touch, at the thought,
At the scent as I held them,
At the sound of their cries, I felt loss.
Movies depicting a new additions’ joy,
Commercials, news of loved one expecting,
No matter how happy I was for them,
Inside, I was so very sad for me.
My friends, my sister… I couldn’t understand.
Perplexed, trying, thinking at times it was real,
Only to find it was false.
A tortuous taunting, I never thought I’d heal.
Then, the day came.
My eyes opened to truth.
I knew God’s plan was perfect,
My heart, was gently soothed.
I don’t have to understand.
I don’t have to know why.
I was such a mess for so long,
Probably best I was denied.
I remember the moment,
When I knew I was healed.
When the brokenness simply remained
In tearful echoes loosely concealed.
On my knees, I prayed to God,
Speaking the words “Thank You”.
Grateful that I was taken care of,
And that my baby, not to be, was too…