Poetic Journey in Personal Discovery

Night Consumes Me…

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As daylight escapes my grasp, and is tucked away so tight

The darkness overtakes me; I unwillingly give way to the night

Upon each eve I’m torn away, from any comfort or peace I knew for the day

 And I watch behind me, walk afraid of shadows not feeling at all safe

 

The fear I feel is all consuming as it rises ominously with each tick of the clock

While others sleep around me, I’m left feeling afraid, alone and lost

I feel sad I must try to sleep when my eyelids tremble slowly

Behind a dark canvas my eyes shift, often watching scenarios which frighten me

 

I feel antsy and unsettled.  It’s more exaggerated than what for me is typical

Wound up, wishing to dial it down, but lacking the skills to be successful

When finally I sleep, many times I just awaken again in fear

Sleep acts as poison sometimes, upon the tip of the enemies spear

A playground for all things horrifying, under attack, an unconscious prison cell

My mind inflicts so much havoc in my life, yet deep within it, I constantly dwell

 

I’m told because I no longer feed my addictions my mind is seeking my attention

It’s so hard when there are so many images I can’t erase- they’re on replay within

Where are the “rainbows and butterflies” I once knew, if only via falsehoods and illusions?

At least, while using, I was better able to pretend

I once could paint my pink cloud myself, although short lived and deceiving

Retrospectively, if I’m being honest, I don’t think that cloud was ever pink

 

The lies masquerading as beauty were the only truths I knew

Now I’m plagued by fearful intrusions and I have no idea of what to do

“They” say in time things will settle and I won’t be so afraid

I trust this is be true, and hold onto that belief in faith

Until then I sit at two AM drinking coffee to stay conscious

I’m still in restless torment knowing only safety’s sparseness

 

The night threatens to fully consume me, as I’m trapped inside its darkness

So, from the daylight hours, I’ll soak up every last ounce of light’s sweetness

And I pray those moments of peace will come to me, when at night I cower

Like a torch in the night I pray God ignites the flame with His power

 

I recognize that stars light up the night, and pierce through the blackened sky

And I know in my mind as well, God created both day and night

I wish not to be completely overtaken, nor do I seek to continually run

I desperately want off this roller coaster of horrors, for fears’ stronghold to be undone

 ©E.D. Allee

January 10, 2013

 

My sobriety date is January 5th 2013 (written when I was five days clean/sober).  It’s really good for me to revisit these poems and acknowledge how far I’ve come in such a short time.  I feel far removed from that particular insanity- not from insanity in general – but from the type and magnitude I speak of here.  Sleep is kind of groovy (and I don’t think eating coffee grinds like in the Elm Street movies works- but I tried!).  I don’t want to go back.  I’m surprised by my survival after 21 years of using/drinking- and then getting sober (which clawed at me like a very angry, rabid wolf!)— hell of a ride and perhaps I should be dead!  But I’m not, and I’m grateful.  Thanks for reading- and anyone in early sobriety- it eventually gets better.  Getting closer to God- not the god of my annoying intellect- has been the key for me.  I’ve always loved God… not that you would know it by my actions- was very sick and deceived… but belief and knowledge were insufficient.  Now, with God,I’m never alone in the dark anymore.  

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Comments on: "Night Consumes Me…" (4)

  1. Revisiting our past can be a good marker as to how far we have come as well as a reminder of where we do not want to be. A passionate and heartfelt poem.

  2. Stunning. Raw. Cuts thru bone to our cores. Brilliant. Bless. XX.

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