The music sounds so sweet; it touches my very soul
Although I’m incomplete, for a moment I feel whole
Tears emerge unconsciously, as a calm sadness fills my heart
A peaceful sorrow which helps to reveal one of many parts
Each note is separate and clear, united in broken connectivity
It’s as if each strum is given breath specifically for me
The void I strive so hard to fill, is no longer in want for a time
The effect will be short-lived, but in this moment I’m lost in the sustenance I find
I’ve identified the hurting, and am starting to understand the depth of once hidden pain
I consider its origins, seeking freedom from its typically unquestioned reign
Why am I so afraid to feel; why so scared to think?
Even though I believe I can float, I continually choose to sink
I understand it’s time to address the pain; continuing to run equates to death
Spiritual, physical or both – not a toss-up, either way no “me” will be left
I carry a bag, dark and heavy, adding to the contents daily
I am losing the strength to go on; hope dissipates at a rapid rate and I am growing weary
Harmonic chords have faded, and I’m left sitting still and alone on my island
Surrounded by the silence of a world screaming for me to let it in
Temporary peace serves to renew strength depleted with each breath
Acoustic inspiration has imparted healing, if only for the moment
I wrote this during, what would be my “first” inpatient hospitalization to detox from drugs/alcohol. I was twenty-six at the time (38 now) and, while I was quite the little poly-substance abuser, I was coming off cocaine and alcohol primarily. Was a very scary time- my long-time “companions” were being ripped from me. Note: was clean from the coke for ten years with one three day relapse in 2011. Since then- so far so good!
There was a man who came to the unit and played beautiful music on his acoustic guitar- it touched my soul so deeply. In the sterile and unfamiliar environment filled with the violence of detox, I found myself desiring to swim in the notes, surrounded by their warm embrace forever… The experience has stuck with me over the years. I was learning, however painfully bleak my poem was, about non-chemical origins of peace and beauty. God’s given me many more selections since then!