Poetic Journey in Personal Discovery

A Deadly Romance…

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This is a sequence of four separate yet intertwined poems expressing my struggle as it specifically relates to my addiction to alcohol. I compare my relationship alcohol to a relationship with a lover— a REALLY BAD LOVER, but a lover just the same.  These were written beginning in 2006. I’m three days away from 8 months clean/sober! What a journey!

GOOD-BYE CRUTCH

It’s scary to think of being without you forever; you’ve been such a big part of my life
I thought we’d always be together, never have to part or divide
Yet, though a friend you’ve been to me in times of trouble and pain
A wolf in sheep’s clothing you always were, today you are still the same

These words may hurt you for a while, and I know you’ll want me back again
But I have to let you go now, though too I hurt deep within
Your kiss was bittersweet and your caress sometimes gentle, sometimes rough
You always knew how to soothe me when my emotions threatened to erupt

Yet you were never really a friend at all just a tool used for my destruction
But I will miss the good times we had together and your embrace and passion
This on again off again relationship has got to stop already
When I let you go this time please don’t come back begging for me

I have changed my locks and I have a new phone number
Don’t try to contact me I have acquired a restraining order
If you come within one hundred feet, I can call on God
He is always quick to answer me whenever in need I call

I may seem harsh, but you never spared me any pain or abuse
Yet I know that you were just doing what it was you knew to do
You’re just not for me, I have to move on, our time together is up
I don’t even want to make nice with you although you at one time I loved

I guess there will always be a part of me that will love you still
But more of me hates you for making my life such a living hell
I pray for those you move on to next, and those you already know
If they knew what poison you really were, they’d be quick to go

Well, guess it’s time to say my final goodbye- this is different than before
I hear you crying in the distance, but I wish to be yours no more
Part of me wants to comfort you and ingest you one last time
Reciting the lies you’ve told to get me back into your life

It is now where God, I need Your strength—my heart aches at the loss
A tear wants to fall from my eyes, although I know the painful costs
Shaking I try to stand on my own without him in my life
Will I be able to do it God? Will I be successful this time when I try?

Remove this doubt and help me see I’m doing the right thing
And never leave me alone dear God for You know without you I’m weak
Surround me, and other’s lives this man will touch- with Your angels strong
And give us the strength we need dear Lord in order to carry on
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

BUT WAIT… THERE’S MORE…

You sly devil you, why do you always look sooo good?
You lay on that boyish charm and I have to take a second look
You feel so warm against my skin and I never can seem to resist
I close my eyes and we dance that slow dance just before we kiss

Your embrace I seek when I am alone with my feelings
When you are in the room I’m drawn to you, why are you so appealing?
Your cologne smells so sweet, I passionately inhale you as you walk by
That beautiful smile of yours, and those hauntingly alluring eyes

“How can you stay mad at me when all I want to do is help?
Come on, let me inside and we’ll play a while, I won’t tell
You know you miss me when I’m gone, and can’t fight me when I’m near
These lips just want to kiss yours and these strong arms, hold you dear.”

I don’t know, I don’t think it’s right, my maker and husband would not approve
You see, God has plans for me and knows the harm you can do
He reminds me how you’ve hurt me and the times you’ve led me astray
And I’m afraid of what you’ll do this time, and if you’ll ever go away

“You don’t really want me to go, you know you want me around
Don’t listen to that voice inside, this time I won’t let you down
I’ll keep you warm when you are cold, and hold you near when you are lonely
You’ll be just fine my love, come on, just trust me.”

You do look so harmless clothed with such style
You taste so good to me and seem like you’ll stay a while
But I don’t know, I’m still conflicted I felt really good when you were away
I feel alright when you stay the night but don’t feel so hot the next day

“I’ll be gentle, I’ll feed you a little of me at a time
You won’t have to feel any pain, and the next day- you’ll again be mine
Keep me close at each waking moment and things will work out okay
Come on my sweet, taste me once more…let me inside again today”

You seem so playful and so harmless to the touch, but I do remember when
When you left my body in violent tremors, aching, and puking to no end
You are like poison- you have to admit that- I don’t think I can trust you anymore
I’ll think about it, but I won’t let you in right now, step back, I’m closing the door…
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

“HELL”-O AGAIN

Well you little bitch- what’s up dog?
Missed you I guess, don’t feel it’s been long
But here you are in front me
I’ve just had to bump into you again- thought I was free
Once I let you in, you take soooooooooo long to leave
But knowing that evidently didn’t matter- you are back inside of me

Yeah, I missed you and I longed for your touch
Shit, here I am again lost in drunken lust
Who can chain you and keep you forever bound?
I do just fine until you again come around!!
Damn- will this poem ever end?
I claim to hate you but I treat you as a friend

I’d like to put you to rest at last
But you keep on lurking around, you’re quick, you’re fast
Maybe the only way to rid myself of you is to get rid of me
I have little fight left as you can see

I am drunk now so I will not conclude
I wonder if one day I will beat you????
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

GOOD-BYE YET AGAIN

I have to say good-bye again, with another dose of hospitalized assistance
“They” say I won’t crave your presence any longer, or desire your poisonous kisses
I have to purge you from my life if I’m to have a life at all
One day, I’m afraid, I won’t stand after another painful fall

Complacency, procrastination, and emergence of negative self-talk
Isolation, destructive behaviors, all contributing to unrecoverable time lost
Such power I’ve given you- so called friend of mine
I want to take back the power you’ve stolen, to at last leave you behind

What dangerous foes, substances which alter, and addiction
My mind has become accustomed to your frequent impositions
Can I really decide once and for all to keep you out of my existence?
Has the power been inside all along, but I chose not to use it?

Trying to do it all by myself as if I know what’s best for me
All the while ignoring God and His promised strength and safety
I know life is better when I’m able to abstain
Peace is known in my life and harmony has a chance to reign

All presenting evidence points to the need to quit and stay sober for life
No excuses or justifications- as I’m tempted to insert on this page tonight
So patient You have been with me God, Your consistently rebellious child
You’ve walked with me as promised my many rocky miles

I wish to relinquish control and make the right choices for me
But even in that statement I assume single responsibility
I have to remember I’m not alone, that at any time You’ll grab the wheel
And most importantly without medicating, I must learn to feel

I don’t want to die dear Father, another sadly wasted life
And I don’t want to live dear God without You by my side
So wrap me in Your arms this day, and promise never to let me go
And let Your promise and potential for me like a bright beacon show
Forgive me for my past mistakes and hold me upright when I am weak
And let every step of mine be in Your will, until home You carry me

HOW WILL THE STORY END??????????

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