Poetic Journey in Personal Discovery

blue butterfly cropped and resized

Life is not without challenges, as everyone can attest to.  My personal struggles are probably mirrored in countless people in the world.  I’ve been fighting with addiction for 21 years.  I was really good at the addiction part- the real struggle has always been with attempts to rid myself of that addiction over the years.  The most important revelation I’ve come to know is that trying to win the constant battle inside “by myself” is futile.

It was a hard concept to grasp- that surrender actually led to empowerment and strength, but I have found that is exactly what surrender is for me.  This poem is an expression of gratitude for my Higher Power (God).  I’ve been pulled from some pretty dark places- a past filled with horrible decisions, painful experiences, less than upstanding actions- I lived in constant regret, fear, and self-condemnation.  My relationship with God was always surface level only.  Developing a deeper faith and relationship has been amazing.

I’m almost 8 months clean/sober.  This may not seem like much to many- but the freedom I’ve gained in such a short time gives me hope for even better days to come.  Enjoy this poem with an open mind and heart!

God,

You have delivered me from the darkness I’d come to know as light

You’ve kept me safe, rejoiced in my return, and brought true vision to my sight

For so very long I lived in rebellion, unwilling to let You in

I couldn’t show my shame to You, although never was it hidden

Tormented by fear and regret, manifesting as strangling poisons in my life

My guilt kept me from acknowledging You; I tried to hide my eyes

I always believed in You; I even felt You near, and heard You speak when I would listen

But belief was insufficient, and lacked the gift You offer… a real and intimate connection

 

I was deficient in faith and trust; the god of my self-intellect and reason blotted You out

I’ve lived out of the light for so long, embracing turmoil, fear and doubt

Even when I heard Your voice, I ignored it in lieu of mine

It was always about me, my desires, wants, plans and designs

 

A battle of wills I was in, subdued by selfish hopes clothed in earthly gear

I see now where I was wrong, and hindered by spiritual oppression and warfare

I was so defeated and conformed to this world; I was blinded by my humanity

So much so, that I never slowed down long enough for You to help me

My woes were many, and my chosen darkness kept me from knowing Your support and genuine love

It’s only through Your grace and compassion I now have the strength to stand up

I exist now, contrite in spirit, yet grateful You’ve forgiven my defiance

I pray I never again withdraw from You, that I hold onto Your gift of love and alliance

 

Thank You Lord for upholding me with Your strong and mighty hand

You promise to strengthen and help me (Isaiah 41:10); I know you’re wherever I am

You appear in each drop of rain; You cleanse and make all things new

I see You in the fragrant array of flowers kissed by morning dew

The towering mountains remind me of how seemingly small and insignificant I am

But You, in Your infinite wisdom, know each of the hairs upon my head

You are light and love; Your brightness supplies hope and illuminates the dark

I know I am never alone, You comfort, heal, and protect my heart

I seek to hear from You my Lord… Your words impart beauty and music to my tattered soul

Only that which is of You will ever nourish and make me whole

Your grace and mercy have showered me with hope and newness

And because I believe You’ve done so for me, I too grant myself and others forgiveness

You love with such vigor, and rejoice when I share that divine love with my fellow man

I want to be a reflected expression of Your goodness; I know with You I can

Regardless of how far I ran from You, You never forsook me or left my side

How might I begin to sing praises to You, oh Lord on High?

This sacrifice at a minimum I offer You, gifts of thanksgiving I bring

To You, God of all above and below, my great and loving King

I desire to be a picture of Your love in all I say, think, and do

In every situation I encounter, I want to first seek You

I want others, when they look at me, to witness the change on the inside

And to know without a doubt that within me You do abide

I thirst to know You more each day; I seek refuge in Your presence forever

It’s there I know I’ll find the solace and power needed for each challenge or endeavor

I need help to follow You in obedience , to heed and act when I hear Your voice

My heart wishes to please You, yet I am weak in a flesh which seeks first its own choice

I’m studying Your word and allowing You to quench this thirst You’ve given me for knowledge

Teach me what You wish me to know, show me what You wish me to see, and allow my tomorrows to be lived in courage

 

I praise you Lord, and I fervently want to seek, and do Your will above that of my own

I know there is no replacement for Your love; without you I am lost and alone

 

You’ve delivered me from the darkness I’d come to know as light

And I will be forever grateful  for Your gift of a new heart and new life…

 

©E.D. Allee

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Comments on: "If I Could Write A Psalm…" (2)

  1. I love this idea: “the god of my self-intellect […]”.

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