Poetic Journey in Personal Discovery

This was written upon my 160th day of sobriety in 2012- at least what I had decided was sobriety- I was still using “legal, prescribed and therefore okay” prescriptions- as if snorting my xanex and klonopin was somehow normal! 21 years of sticking most anything in me to alter I finally know “true” sobriety and clean time-NOTHING to alter and peace as bonus! I’m getting close to eight months and the feelings described in this poem have changed dramatically. We all come from somewhere!

“Sobriety is an app on my phone”; Those words erupted from an unknown origin within

I now have a counter to inform me of my start date, and how long without a drink it’s been

Today the counter says 160… I only know this because I checked

I don’t even count the days for myself; what’s to be said for that?

 

I guess I don’t drink cause I know how dangerous, self-destructive and uncontrolled it is for me

Yet when one, such as I, has a ferocious desire to feel “that feeling”, consequences and fear of dying leave

I put on a fake smile when others around me ingest the poison I miss so badly

I smell them from far distances, wherever I am, the aroma surrounds me

 

Laughing, and smiling, dribbles and spills upon their polished wardrobes

Even their attempts at walking are humorous as they travel to and fro

I drink my ice tea, and water with lemon.  All the while coveting just one single sip

Yet knowing in my heart it would take a thousand, and create many spills and drips

 

“The force is strong with this one”, the chains bind me even while released

I never get to experience moments when at my side there is no beast

It toys with me, it tempts me, its false allure disguises its darkness

I’m drawn to the beast with eyes like an angel promising escape from “this”

 

“This” being anything other than the good feelings temporarily gifted to me

The horror after the perceived bliss, my blackouts don’t allow me to actually see

Upon “awakening” there’s broken glass, cuts, unexplained bruises and pain

Tales of misbehaviors, regretful actions, destructiveness and shame

And all I get in return is a few moments in the false sunlight

How can that beckoning be enough to make this alright?

I don’t know. I haven’t a single logical answer to give in my defense

All this considered, in all honesty, I’d give almost anything to feel that feeling again…

©E.D. Allee
2012
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