Thick, black mascara tears.
Still lying on the tile,
Cold and hard
Is her hazy, piecemeal truth.
Small cuts evrywhere,
Diced pain.
Broken glass surrounds.
She thinks to herself… Again?
She Wonders:
How she got here,
Where “here” is,
And if she’ll ever leave…
©E.D. Allee
March, 2014
Image: http://www.wall321.com/thumbnails/detail/20130126/510472efd7a45.jpg
Three hundred sixty five days have past
Leading to a miracle I couldn’t envision
I once wished to end my life
To be free from two decades of prison
Shackled in bondage to an unrelenting master
A jailor spiteful and cruel
One who fed me to sustain my life
Only to prolong his rule
The years grew darker with time
The window to my cell got smaller
I knew little peace with eyes open
And my dreams were filled with horror
The illusory sense of peace
I once so craved and desired
Melted away into pools of necessity
With painted emotions and scribbled smiles
On the last day I used…
January fourth two thousand thirteen
I knew my options were to quit or die
A choice terribly hard for me
Death or life without chemical alteration
Finally live free from addictions’ chains
A decision perhaps simple for some
But I was terrified I’d fail at trying to change
I did choose life, leaping forward in faith
Holding only to a desperate desire
I’d failed many times before
Although my needs were always dire
I dwelled in a dark abyss of my design
An abyss filled with a raging sea
Kept afloat by drink or drug
The very same which tried to drown me
I quit… I was angry, afraid, in pain, and shaking
Sick and weak, unstable in mind and emotions
Grasping to something I couldn’t see
Hopeless, alone, worn and broken
In time things improved, I began to let go
Of the grip I held destructively tight
I became willing to get the help I needed
And gradually saw hope in sight
I had an AA sponsor by then
Cynthia, The helper I came to know
Addiction treatment and meetings
Began revealing alternatives to sorrow
I opened up to God, my higher power
I sought diligently to know Him once more
I learned belief was insufficient
My faith had to be restored
My abyss began filling the moment I stopped digging
Eventually I grabbed outstretched hands
The raging sea became an ocean of soft swells
And at that time healing began
One year later, far removed from that darkness
I reflect upon the trials and triumphs
I’m grateful I declined death’s temptation
By accepting God’s help and guidance
If only I had known back then…
I’d have told my broken spirit to hold on
I’d share with her what I understand now
Let her know hope exists upon new horizons
I’d cheer her on each day of success
Hold her hand with each falling tear
Tell her that life will not hurt so bad forever
And that one day she’ll be able to feel
She’d feel without the torment of ever increasing pain
She’d sit still in her own skin
She’d look people in the eyes, not down in shame
She’d break free from the demons within
To myself today I say
You’re a long way from that arduous start
One day at a time you’ve progressed
But you mustn’t ever stop
Stay close to God and continue seeking
So enlightenment you’ll find
Walk forward, using the past as a tool
Demons in wait, grow stronger in time
Know you can never open the door
To the world which once enslaved you
Be vigilant not to fall into the nets
Cast as traps meant to undo
Way to go Elizabeth
You’ve achieved the seemingly impossible
I will write to you again this time next year
And report on the remarkable!
©E.D. Allee
January 5, 2014
I said goodbye when I never
Had a real chance to say hello
You gripped me from the start
By my long hair and wouldn’t let go
Sunk your teeth into my neck
Trying to make me like you
Taking my soul one drink, one hit, one line at a time
You kept my hurting eyes from your deceitful truth
I allowed you to separate me from me
Leaving an almost empty shell
Reducing me to below minimum
In the darkest pit, alone with you I did dwell
I blended in, merged with my surroundings
Shadows became my confidants
No soft pillow to rest my head
Barely aware of my beating heart
I hear you calling still, from beyond illusory ashy remains
You lie in wait for my return
Patient, calculating, vindictive
Of my weaknesses you’ve learned
One thing you didn’t count on
Was the restoration of my faith in God
You didn’t know I’d have a powerful ally on my side
That there would be barriers, heavy shields between us strong
Your wiles, your threats
Your intimidations have lost strength
No remnants remain of your false love
Appears as though you failed… at taking all of me!
Eleven months clean
Didn’t see that one coming
One day at a time!I know newfound peace
Promises are coming true
I hope for todayWhat once was a dream
Becoming reality
I’m grateful to GodKnowing renewal
I sit and reflect in awe
I am worth savingAA’s been for me
A catalyst to my growth
Helping light the way
©E.D. Allee
journeyinrhyme 
